... the bane of my existence. Big time. My emotions are in hyper drive, which is not a good thing. I mean, I don't mind them, especially when I'm super in tune with them, but it's not a good thing when you start:
a) Liking a guy you have absolutely no chance with
b) Liking a guy one of your friends likes
c) Arguing things when you have no chance of dissuading the other of their opinion
d) Making yourself completely and utterly nuts because you can't bring them under control
OK. There's the list of crap that I'm dealing with. The first two are somewhat combined, mainly because I find myself attracted to two guys. One falls into option 'a', while the other falls in to both options 'a' and 'b'. Now, if I had the guts, I'd put names, but I just can't. I bring this blog up way too much to reveal that much.
Anyhow, both guys are sweet. They're kind, and funny, and all around good people. I just... I know I wouldn't stand a chance with either of them. I'm so lame, and just... awkward. I mean, I can talk to one of them pretty well... in fact, my... feelings... for him just surfaced. And I can't like him... seriously, I shouldn't. Someone else likes him, and she happens to be a good friend of mine, now. I mean, I only met her recently, but she's still a kick butt friend, and I wouldn't want to lose her over a guy. I asked her, hypothetically, how she would feel if she found out someone else liked him, and she said she might be upset. Even the possibility makes me upset.
I'm going to point out that I described their personalities. That doesn't mean I don't find them attractive, because I do, but that's not what I look for in a guy. I look for a fun loving, outgoing guy, who loves to be active (even though I don't). I love a musically inclined guy, but usually I want funny first, talented second. So, if he's a total tard when it comes to music, he's still great. Looks come in at about ten. Hence my attraction to Jackson, Brandon, Dan... jeez, if I bring that jerk up, I'll probably implode from the stress.
Yeah, this place definitely has not been the place for finding boys in the past. That's just Dan though. He was a jerk who thought that he could find a girl and get laid... at a Christian camp! Way to go, moron.
Moving on... I hate being here when it comes to guys. They're all so sweet, but my abrasive nature always ends up being the turn off that has them running off to the 'normal' girls. I mean, yes, I'm a crazy, nutty, freaky girl... but doesn't that make me more fun? More of a challenge. I'm a virgin... OK. That makes me inexperienced. I've never been kissed, and they all know that. OK. Makes me even more unexperienced.
Is anybody sensing a pattern here.
Guys are afraid that they'll have to deal with the newbie. Alright... maybe. But I doubt it. At least with these guys. I love the people here because they are so nonjudgmental. They don't give a crap if you're a slut or a virgin (though I think it'd be frowned upon to be a slut at Jesus camp). Not that I think that being a slut is a bad thing... well, I don't think premarital sex is a bad thing. As long as you're careful and love who you're doing it with.
Wow, off topic, much, Amanda? Yeah, probably. Well, it's because I'm so freaking physically, mentally, and, above all, emotionally exhausted. I need to figure things out, and I don't think Jordan is going to be of much assistance.
Whoever said emotions are fleeting needs a swift kick in the pants.
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
A Pilgrim Pines State of Mind
Alright, so I'm finally at camp, which is an absolutely wonderful thing. I couldn't be any happier than I am at this very moment. This place is my Disney World. And the greatest thing: I'm completely on my own... getting paid for being happy. I work in the kitchen, which is kind of draining, but a shower and an hour long nap, and I'm happy again. I mean, seriously. Patrick, Albie, Hannah A, Hannah B, Gina, Carolyn, Mary... so many familiar faces have returned, and I feel right at home with them all here. But the new faces are who make it completely worth the while. Hannah J (yes, I know, a lot of Hannahs), Amy, Sarah, and so many others are just wonderful people. I've bonded so well with everyone already, and it's just an amazing feeling.
But that's not why I'm blogging today. It was something that happened today, on my day off. Something that had me on the verge of tears. It was shortly after breakfast, and I had to go to a silly little meeting for food service. Afterwards, I went back to the lodge, where child care was taking place. I wasn't planning on going in, and my urge to do so was lessened further by the incessant screaming of one of the children. I thought she was just fussing because one of the boys took her toy. But then I heard it: "MOMMY!" I almost ran right in there, but I saw Hannah A, one of my bosses, taking care of it. However, fifteen minutes later, she came out, and the girl was still screaming as she shut the door. It was breaking my heart, and I hated that the girl felt that way because she was missing her mom. So, instead of avoiding the child like she was the plague, I went in and immediately walked over to her.
I knelt down behind her, and started trying to comfort her. I ran my hand along her back, like you would a baby when they cry, and said absolutely nothing. Then, five, maybe ten minutes (I lost track of time) later, I asked her if she wanted a hug... and I was floored. She turned around and wrapped her arms around my neck. She was still sniffling and crying a little bit, but the sobs were fewer and far between. I picked her up and sat on the couch with her in my lap. Every time Sarah, one of the girls in child care, opened the door, Jessi (the little girl I was holding) would turn and check: obviously looking to see if it was her mother. It was breaking my heart to see her so desperate to see her mom. I kept rubbing her back reassuringly, trying to keep her relaxed, because I didn't want her to start crying again. When I checked her face for signs of tears fifteen minutes later, I realized the most incredible thing: she had fallen asleep.
A little later on, I tried to lay her down on the couch, but she latched her arms around my neck in a death grip, so I decided to just let her stay in my lap. For about an hour I sat on that couch, Jessi sleeping in my lap, I myself beginning to nod off due to the exhaustion I was feeling from working three days in a row. I didn't fall asleep, but I came close. But what surprised me even more that I was ready to cry. I was so emotionally overwhelmed by the fact that I was able to successfully comfort a child into a quiet slumber. As I type this, I feel the same thing. My eyes are burning, and the tears are welling up. But, I won't cry. Dinner is soon! I just... I love the feeling that I got when she warmed up to me. And Sarah and Krista (the other girl in child care), kept reminding me of that. I think I should talk to someone about it, but I probably won't. I'm not vain about it... I'm just so proud. My heart swelled for the first time since last summer.
I'm finally happy again.
But that's not why I'm blogging today. It was something that happened today, on my day off. Something that had me on the verge of tears. It was shortly after breakfast, and I had to go to a silly little meeting for food service. Afterwards, I went back to the lodge, where child care was taking place. I wasn't planning on going in, and my urge to do so was lessened further by the incessant screaming of one of the children. I thought she was just fussing because one of the boys took her toy. But then I heard it: "MOMMY!" I almost ran right in there, but I saw Hannah A, one of my bosses, taking care of it. However, fifteen minutes later, she came out, and the girl was still screaming as she shut the door. It was breaking my heart, and I hated that the girl felt that way because she was missing her mom. So, instead of avoiding the child like she was the plague, I went in and immediately walked over to her.
I knelt down behind her, and started trying to comfort her. I ran my hand along her back, like you would a baby when they cry, and said absolutely nothing. Then, five, maybe ten minutes (I lost track of time) later, I asked her if she wanted a hug... and I was floored. She turned around and wrapped her arms around my neck. She was still sniffling and crying a little bit, but the sobs were fewer and far between. I picked her up and sat on the couch with her in my lap. Every time Sarah, one of the girls in child care, opened the door, Jessi (the little girl I was holding) would turn and check: obviously looking to see if it was her mother. It was breaking my heart to see her so desperate to see her mom. I kept rubbing her back reassuringly, trying to keep her relaxed, because I didn't want her to start crying again. When I checked her face for signs of tears fifteen minutes later, I realized the most incredible thing: she had fallen asleep.
A little later on, I tried to lay her down on the couch, but she latched her arms around my neck in a death grip, so I decided to just let her stay in my lap. For about an hour I sat on that couch, Jessi sleeping in my lap, I myself beginning to nod off due to the exhaustion I was feeling from working three days in a row. I didn't fall asleep, but I came close. But what surprised me even more that I was ready to cry. I was so emotionally overwhelmed by the fact that I was able to successfully comfort a child into a quiet slumber. As I type this, I feel the same thing. My eyes are burning, and the tears are welling up. But, I won't cry. Dinner is soon! I just... I love the feeling that I got when she warmed up to me. And Sarah and Krista (the other girl in child care), kept reminding me of that. I think I should talk to someone about it, but I probably won't. I'm not vain about it... I'm just so proud. My heart swelled for the first time since last summer.
I'm finally happy again.
Sunday, June 8, 2008
Blast From The Past
Have you ever had those moments? The ones where you just want to go back to when you were younger, more carefree? Where life wasn't such a serious thing? Ever crave that feeling of nostalgia that makes that possible? Well, lately, I have. It's been hectic, lately, at my house. Moving out of my mother's house and into my father's has been hell. Basically, this was a phone conversation with my sister after I finally did the deed.
Megan: So are you still planning on working at the Pines this summer?
Me: Yeah.
Megan: Well, I hope you know how you're getting there, because you're not gonna embarrass me and mom with your shit.
Me: *click*
It's like, seriously? I'm embarrassing them? That's crap. I moved out because it was beginning to dawn on me that my mother and I are poison for each other. We can't go a full twenty four hours without fighting, which is just plain wrong. If I had stayed fully in contact with them, we would've either killed each other or embarrassed the hell out of ourselves. Not to mention Megan is probably going to start bitch rumors about me, because that's the kind of person she seems to have become. I mean, I love my sister. God knows that I can't help that. But that doesn't mean I have to like her. It's a common misconception. Just because they're family, and you have to love them as such, it does not mean that you have to like them. And, to be honest, sometimes I just want to kick her in the shin.
So now I'm living with my dad. He told me yesterday what Megan had said to him when she called, when she had found out that I was moving. We were trying to keep it a secret from my mother, because God only knows what she would've done if we hadn't. But when Megan found out, it was because I was an idiot and put my stupid letter to my mother on the arm of the chair I was sitting in. When she saw it, she picked it up and read it. Then she asked if I was moving. I decided not to lie.
Stupid, stupid move.
She then proceeded to call my father and tell him that he's an unfit parent and that he should know that, and that I should be living with him. I almost called her and bitched to her, because my father is a better man than the rest of my family makes him out to be. He's no longer the drugged up bastard who ditched his kids when they needed him most. He now is a man who gives a damn and will do whatever it takes to make life better for his children. I wanted to tell her that, slap her in the face, beat her until she understood that our father is not a bastard. But I couldn't. I couldn't yell at her, or hurt her. And I'll be damned if I ever get that angry ever again.
Now sometimes I wonder how I became the only person in my family to see that my father changed. I guess it's because I'm the only one who spent enough time with him. The only one who wanted to spend time with him. Megan was too selfish and engrossed in her own life to give a rat's ass about my father. She spent the weekends he decided to come, and was never affected by him skipping out. I always noticed. I couldn't help but notice. He was my father, and I loved him, and I wanted to see him. How she became so blind to the pain he caused is lost on me. I only forgave him because I saw him trying. I saw the effort he was putting into his parenting. So, I guess that's how I am different from everyone else. But their ignorance still pisses me off. It's almost painful... no, it is painful to hear them talk bad about my father, when he's been trying his best to be a better father.
And he is a better father.
Oh well, whatever. I'm out of my mother's house, and living with my father. I'm happy here. It's safe, and I get along better with the people I live with. Not to mention I have at least eight companions at all times. Granted, I can't talk to them... but they are fun to play with. I love all animals of the feline persuasion.
But when I spoke of going back to the past... it was silly me being random. I mean, I did, lately. That craving for nostalgia was so strong, and it only grew worse when none other than Megan showed me the Evolution of Dance video on YouTube. I couldn't help but think of how funny it was. And the music that the guy used had me wondering: Why haven't I listened to this stuff lately? It had been so long since I listened to the Backstreet Boys or N*Sync, I decided to look up some of their stuff. Now (and I damn it to hell) I can't stop listening to them. I have Larger Than Life constantly stuck in my head, as well as Bye, Bye, Bye. Not that I mind all the time. It used to be my favorite music. But then I discovered The Who and thought I was over the others. But now I find that I am wrong.
As I listened to their songs (and it didn't matter what it was: popular songs, not so popular songs, etc.) I realized I still knew pretty much all of the words. And when Bringin' Da Noise from the No Strings Attached album came on, I had another flashback, almost immediately, to the old Disney Channel Movies. Y'know, like Smart House and Zenon: Girl of the 21st Century? Well, this particular memory was tied to The Other Me. I loved that movie, and was surprised at how long it had been since I'd seen, let alone thought, about it. So, I then looked that movie up on YouTube, and lo and behold, there were some clips from it. I was so excited, I nearly had a heart attack. It had the scene I loved, that featured the aforementioned N*Sync song, so I was incredibly happy. That made the nostalgia craving die down, and I've been pretty much sated since. Except, I can't freaking get Larger Than Life out of my head.
06/08/08
Amanda
Megan: So are you still planning on working at the Pines this summer?
Me: Yeah.
Megan: Well, I hope you know how you're getting there, because you're not gonna embarrass me and mom with your shit.
Me: *click*
It's like, seriously? I'm embarrassing them? That's crap. I moved out because it was beginning to dawn on me that my mother and I are poison for each other. We can't go a full twenty four hours without fighting, which is just plain wrong. If I had stayed fully in contact with them, we would've either killed each other or embarrassed the hell out of ourselves. Not to mention Megan is probably going to start bitch rumors about me, because that's the kind of person she seems to have become. I mean, I love my sister. God knows that I can't help that. But that doesn't mean I have to like her. It's a common misconception. Just because they're family, and you have to love them as such, it does not mean that you have to like them. And, to be honest, sometimes I just want to kick her in the shin.
So now I'm living with my dad. He told me yesterday what Megan had said to him when she called, when she had found out that I was moving. We were trying to keep it a secret from my mother, because God only knows what she would've done if we hadn't. But when Megan found out, it was because I was an idiot and put my stupid letter to my mother on the arm of the chair I was sitting in. When she saw it, she picked it up and read it. Then she asked if I was moving. I decided not to lie.
Stupid, stupid move.
She then proceeded to call my father and tell him that he's an unfit parent and that he should know that, and that I should be living with him. I almost called her and bitched to her, because my father is a better man than the rest of my family makes him out to be. He's no longer the drugged up bastard who ditched his kids when they needed him most. He now is a man who gives a damn and will do whatever it takes to make life better for his children. I wanted to tell her that, slap her in the face, beat her until she understood that our father is not a bastard. But I couldn't. I couldn't yell at her, or hurt her. And I'll be damned if I ever get that angry ever again.
Now sometimes I wonder how I became the only person in my family to see that my father changed. I guess it's because I'm the only one who spent enough time with him. The only one who wanted to spend time with him. Megan was too selfish and engrossed in her own life to give a rat's ass about my father. She spent the weekends he decided to come, and was never affected by him skipping out. I always noticed. I couldn't help but notice. He was my father, and I loved him, and I wanted to see him. How she became so blind to the pain he caused is lost on me. I only forgave him because I saw him trying. I saw the effort he was putting into his parenting. So, I guess that's how I am different from everyone else. But their ignorance still pisses me off. It's almost painful... no, it is painful to hear them talk bad about my father, when he's been trying his best to be a better father.
And he is a better father.
Oh well, whatever. I'm out of my mother's house, and living with my father. I'm happy here. It's safe, and I get along better with the people I live with. Not to mention I have at least eight companions at all times. Granted, I can't talk to them... but they are fun to play with. I love all animals of the feline persuasion.
But when I spoke of going back to the past... it was silly me being random. I mean, I did, lately. That craving for nostalgia was so strong, and it only grew worse when none other than Megan showed me the Evolution of Dance video on YouTube. I couldn't help but think of how funny it was. And the music that the guy used had me wondering: Why haven't I listened to this stuff lately? It had been so long since I listened to the Backstreet Boys or N*Sync, I decided to look up some of their stuff. Now (and I damn it to hell) I can't stop listening to them. I have Larger Than Life constantly stuck in my head, as well as Bye, Bye, Bye. Not that I mind all the time. It used to be my favorite music. But then I discovered The Who and thought I was over the others. But now I find that I am wrong.
As I listened to their songs (and it didn't matter what it was: popular songs, not so popular songs, etc.) I realized I still knew pretty much all of the words. And when Bringin' Da Noise from the No Strings Attached album came on, I had another flashback, almost immediately, to the old Disney Channel Movies. Y'know, like Smart House and Zenon: Girl of the 21st Century? Well, this particular memory was tied to The Other Me. I loved that movie, and was surprised at how long it had been since I'd seen, let alone thought, about it. So, I then looked that movie up on YouTube, and lo and behold, there were some clips from it. I was so excited, I nearly had a heart attack. It had the scene I loved, that featured the aforementioned N*Sync song, so I was incredibly happy. That made the nostalgia craving die down, and I've been pretty much sated since. Except, I can't freaking get Larger Than Life out of my head.
06/08/08
Amanda
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
Hate Is A Loaded Word
Four letters. H-A-T-E. And yet it can mean so little or so much. It really is a loaded word. Many people don't understand the significance of this word. Mainly because it means different things to different people. To me, it means to wish upon someone the worst possible pain, to suffer the worst possible punishment that mankind can think up. In my mind, I find it impossible to feel that way about anyone, let alone imagine how another person could possibly feel that way. But then I see the state of the world around me. Lawrence King, only fourteen when he was gunned down by a classmate, just because he asked him to be his valentine. Matthew Shepard, lured from a bar, beaten into unconsciousness and left to die, tied to a fence. Gwen Araujo, killed by friends when they found out that she was really a he. Brandon Teena, raped and eventually murdered because he was actually Teena Brandon. Seventy one women, all prostitutes, murdered by a man who had this crazy idea that it was O.K. to do it. Twenty two of their bodies were never found. Twenty three families, maybe more, unable to bury their dead daughters because the sick bastard forgot where they were buried. I watch accounts of these stories and dozens, possibly hundreds of others, and get sick to my stomach. How does someone come to hate a person so much that murder becomes the only option? Or do they really hate this person? Is it hate or fear that motivates them to their ultimate decision to kill?
I've done a lot of thinking over the course of my nineteen years of life. Most of my thoughts focused on this in the past two. It had a lot to do with my role as an ally in the GLBT community. Once I made friends that were gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgendered, I began to see a side of humanity that I'd been sheltered from for most of my life. People are persecuted not only for race or religion, but for who they love. The biggest oxymoron of them all. Hating love. Isn't that just a peachy way for Americans to live their lives? Hating something so beautiful and natural?
I don't know. I want to go into more depth on this, but it just gets me so riled up, I can't think straight for more than a few moments. I want to write this, but I"m not going to. I'll elaborate when I see fit. But... not right now.
06/03/08
Amanda
I've done a lot of thinking over the course of my nineteen years of life. Most of my thoughts focused on this in the past two. It had a lot to do with my role as an ally in the GLBT community. Once I made friends that were gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgendered, I began to see a side of humanity that I'd been sheltered from for most of my life. People are persecuted not only for race or religion, but for who they love. The biggest oxymoron of them all. Hating love. Isn't that just a peachy way for Americans to live their lives? Hating something so beautiful and natural?
I don't know. I want to go into more depth on this, but it just gets me so riled up, I can't think straight for more than a few moments. I want to write this, but I"m not going to. I'll elaborate when I see fit. But... not right now.
06/03/08
Amanda
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