Tonight I Wanna Cry

And I wanna cry hard. I've become sick of my emotions. Sick of the fact that they have a mind of their own and that I will never gain control over them. And dang it, I want that control. I want to say, "No, you can't feel that way about him, because someone else does, and he probably feels the same way about her. Not to mention that someone else is a good friend, and you care about her dearly," and the feelings I have for this guy would just go away. But no, I'm stuck with the overwhelming inability to breathe whenever I'm around him. My heart breaks every time I see him with her, knowing that he probably has feelings for her, too. I want to tell him, but I want her to tell him how she feels first, because that way their relationship could be or not. As much as it's shattering my heart to want them to be happy, it's what I want. They could be perfect for each other, they could not, I may just be insane, but I want her to be happy before me. Besides, is it really that big a deal that I'll go through guy number... geez, I lost count. I've liked so many guys who didn't feel the same way about me, I've lost count. That's pathetic. So is it really that big a deal that yet another guy hasn't liked me back? I guess not, but I guess I've never felt this strongly for someone before. I'm older, more mature, and know the difference between physical attraction and attraction on an emotional level. I don't deny that this guy is attractive, but... it was his personality that really attracted me to him. He's a sweetheart, and I don't think there's anything bad about him that I could point out on the spot. But he so obviously likes someone else, I feel like a lost soul in the River Styx of emotion.

I keep finding myself dwelling on the issue of telling him. Would it really hurt that bad if I told him, and he didn't feel that way about me? Well, duh, but does it really matter? Won't I get over it like I normally do? I mean, it's not going to kill me if I find out that he likes her and not me. I was just told today that I'm the kind of person people like to talk to. I'm fun to talk to, and I attract people that way. But... if that's true, then him talking to me isn't as weird as Jordan made it out to be. That's the kind of person I am, so it doesn't surprise me that he likes to talk to me. But talking is the extent of our friendship, I believe. I don't feel comfortable enough asking him if he wants to watch a movie with a group of friends, or anything like that. Which is bad, in my eyes. If you can't feel comfortable hanging out with someone outside of a work-like environment, what potential is there for anything beyond? None. So I'm no one special to him. Just someone he can talk to. I mean, his little brother is awesome. Such a cute kid. And the guy loves him to death. Even bought him a birthday present that he put some real thought into. It warmed my heart to know that siblings have that kind of relationship still. I've even hung out with them on occasion, watching them play games. They're such a close family. I kind of envy them, but not to the extent where I want their family as my own. I'm happy with mine. We get along pretty well now.

I found things that we connect over, though. I played Spit with him once. It's a card game... kind of like a twisted version of Speed Solitaire. I love it, and I'm pretty good. But he kicked my butt in the end. He also likes The Emperor's New Groove, one of my favorite movies of all time. We were showing it at camp, and I was sitting next to him as we watched, and I kept reciting the lines that I still remembered, and he turned to me and said, "You love this, don't you?" I just nodded, completely enthralled in the movie, twirling a sprig of rosemary that I had picked on my way there between my fingers. I love the smell of it, and it keeps me completely at peace and relaxed. On my way there, I had actually ended up walking with him. He, too, loves the smell of rosemary. It's kind of funny. Every time I have it, he wants to smell it. And every time, whether he notices or not, I blush.

But last time I gave it to him to smell, he gave it back to me, and I had to turn away, because I actually started crying. Idiot me decided to tell the other girl that I liked him, and that I didn't think I had a chance with him. And I'm convinced I don't now. But I cried long and hard that night. In the same room as him. He didn't notice, and I doubt he'd have thought I was crying over him. But I cried. And it felt terrible. It was the first time crying didn't alleviate my pain. It made it worse.

So what am I going to do about all of this? Nothing. Absolutely, positively nothing. I'm going to sit back and watch the first guy I've had legitimate feelings for in over a year slip into the hands of another girl, because I feel too guilty to tell him how I feel. I hate myself for it, but I can't do that to her. Never. Not in a million years.

I've never been the kind to ever let my feelings show
And I thought that being strong meant never losing your self control
But I'm just drunk enough to let go of my pain
To hell with my pride
Let it fall like rain from my eyes

Tonight I wanna cry.