... the bane of my existence. Big time. My emotions are in hyper drive, which is not a good thing. I mean, I don't mind them, especially when I'm super in tune with them, but it's not a good thing when you start:
a) Liking a guy you have absolutely no chance with
b) Liking a guy one of your friends likes
c) Arguing things when you have no chance of dissuading the other of their opinion
d) Making yourself completely and utterly nuts because you can't bring them under control
OK. There's the list of crap that I'm dealing with. The first two are somewhat combined, mainly because I find myself attracted to two guys. One falls into option 'a', while the other falls in to both options 'a' and 'b'. Now, if I had the guts, I'd put names, but I just can't. I bring this blog up way too much to reveal that much.
Anyhow, both guys are sweet. They're kind, and funny, and all around good people. I just... I know I wouldn't stand a chance with either of them. I'm so lame, and just... awkward. I mean, I can talk to one of them pretty well... in fact, my... feelings... for him just surfaced. And I can't like him... seriously, I shouldn't. Someone else likes him, and she happens to be a good friend of mine, now. I mean, I only met her recently, but she's still a kick butt friend, and I wouldn't want to lose her over a guy. I asked her, hypothetically, how she would feel if she found out someone else liked him, and she said she might be upset. Even the possibility makes me upset.
I'm going to point out that I described their personalities. That doesn't mean I don't find them attractive, because I do, but that's not what I look for in a guy. I look for a fun loving, outgoing guy, who loves to be active (even though I don't). I love a musically inclined guy, but usually I want funny first, talented second. So, if he's a total tard when it comes to music, he's still great. Looks come in at about ten. Hence my attraction to Jackson, Brandon, Dan... jeez, if I bring that jerk up, I'll probably implode from the stress.
Yeah, this place definitely has not been the place for finding boys in the past. That's just Dan though. He was a jerk who thought that he could find a girl and get laid... at a Christian camp! Way to go, moron.
Moving on... I hate being here when it comes to guys. They're all so sweet, but my abrasive nature always ends up being the turn off that has them running off to the 'normal' girls. I mean, yes, I'm a crazy, nutty, freaky girl... but doesn't that make me more fun? More of a challenge. I'm a virgin... OK. That makes me inexperienced. I've never been kissed, and they all know that. OK. Makes me even more unexperienced.
Is anybody sensing a pattern here.
Guys are afraid that they'll have to deal with the newbie. Alright... maybe. But I doubt it. At least with these guys. I love the people here because they are so nonjudgmental. They don't give a crap if you're a slut or a virgin (though I think it'd be frowned upon to be a slut at Jesus camp). Not that I think that being a slut is a bad thing... well, I don't think premarital sex is a bad thing. As long as you're careful and love who you're doing it with.
Wow, off topic, much, Amanda? Yeah, probably. Well, it's because I'm so freaking physically, mentally, and, above all, emotionally exhausted. I need to figure things out, and I don't think Jordan is going to be of much assistance.
Whoever said emotions are fleeting needs a swift kick in the pants.
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2 comments:
You know you have a chance with any guy you want right? Any man would be lucky to have you.
You're one of the most beautiful amazing people in the world.
And the inexperience thing sucks, trust me, it does. But... it's not the end of the world.
Screw inexperience.
I've had this conversation with a friend of mine so many times so I'm just going to reiterate the basic gist.
Inexperience does not matter. Seriously, when you find a guy that you feel ready to be with like that, it will be just as clumsy and messy and perfect as it would for someone with 'experience'. You are *you*, which makes you the first *you* he'll have been with. You're not like any other girl, so, while he may have picked up 'techniques', he'll still have to work out what works for you.
People have this idea that, if you've been with a lot of people you must be good. But that's honesty not true. Each time with a new person is like a first time because you have no idea how they'll react to anything. It's a learning curve.
The moral of the virgins ramblings? Any guy who doesn't wanna be with the 'newbie' is not a guy you wanna go near with a stick.
End of.
Secondly, YOU my lady, are insanely beautiful. But, like you said, that's not as important as personality. And boy, do you have a personality.
Constantly energetic, crazy manic about every little thing. I can always count on you to bring a smile to my face, or a tear to my eye when you're being sweet old you.
You're gonna make someone really happy one day Amanda. And when he comes along. He won't know what's hit him ;)
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