Revelations

Oh, dear. My brother just got home from school (which is all the way across the country) and I have yet to say hello to him. Don't ask me why, it's complicated. I love my brother to death, so it doesn't make sense that I'm not downstairs going, "OMG YOU'RE HOME!" *pounce* I mean, seriously, people, he's my brother! It's like, "Hey, what's up?" I'm not the most likely to greet someone the second they come to the house. I mean, if it were my sister-in-law, I'd be all over that. "Hey, Brooke! How are you? How's the baby doing?" I mean, I haven't even seen her since the wedding. She's starting to show, pregnancy wise, and I can't wait for the baby to start kicking. I can't wait for the baby to be born, for Pete's sake. I'm gonna have a nephew! But... the people that have been there my entire life, my brothers, sisters, parents... they're the people I don't really have a strong reaction to. But when it's someone that I've just begun to care about, I do my best to keep that relationship strong, fresh. I care about Brooke deeply, because she makes my brother happy, and she cares about the rest of my family, despite the fact that we've been nothing but insane when she's around. She's seen the reality of my family, and still wants to be a part of it. That relieves me, because it proves that my family isn't entirely hopeless.

The picture of us at the wedding is hanging in our living room now. I choke up every time I see it, because it rests under a picture of Sarah and her former fiancé, Andy. To see a happy moment, captured forever in a silver frame, depicting myself, Laura, Adam, Jeremy, my mother, and Megan, standing neatly in a row, nestled comfortably under the couple that could never be again, it makes me cringe. I won't dare tell my mother this, because it will make her think of it. It's not fair to her. She doesn't need to have a marvelous occasion such as her son getting married marred by the overactive brain of her daughter. I can't keep doing that to her.

I've found myself diving into the world of fan fiction even further as the time passes from the finales of my favorite shows. I think the worst thing that happened, though, was when one character was killed off on a show I love. But after I realized how serious my reaction was, I thought to myself, 'You're sick... that reaction wasn't healthy, and you know it. You need to get your head out of the clouds and back to reality. It's the only way you're going to change the way you are into what you want to be." These crazy revelations have been happening a lot lately, and it makes me wonder if I've known it all along. I mean, Cassie pointing out my unhealthy obsession with CSI caused a huge rift in our friendship, but now we're good again. I think, when we settled our differences, I had subconsciously admitted that she was right. And now, moving away from that obsession, I realize how terribly lost I was without it. It was pathetic. I think what I needed to do was put more living, breathing people into my life to fill this massive void I created when my life revolved around CSI. For just one moment, I need to step back and review what I've done with my life these past nine months. Then I need to fix it. I messed up, and I need to repair the damage that I caused.

05/22/08
Amanda