Have you ever noticed, that when it comes to news, you can't have the good without the bad. It's like going into the doctor's office for a mammogram, and you have a few calcium deposits. Thank God it's not cancer, right? Well, the doctor calls you a couple days later, informing you that, all though you do not have breast cancer, they noticed something odd in your blood tests. After extensive testing, they learn that you have some other, more heinous disease. It's curable, but it sucks because you had no idea. You'd rather have the breast cancer.
I'm having those moments a lot lately.
Good news: I'm officially an aunt to a beautiful baby boy.
Bad news: I still haven't met him after three weeks.
Good news: I'm going to my classes, learning instead of vegging out on the couch all day.
Bad news: I don't understand a damn thing I'm being taught.
Good news: I've finally fessed up to Lars about how I felt for him.
Bad news: As I expected, he doesn't feel the same way.
But that's OK, right? I mean, this kind of thing happens everyday. Problem with it is, I'm sick as hell and it's all because I'm stressed. I wish I could make some of it a little easier, but it's all a matter of faith.
And seriously, what's faith without a God to put it in. I've yet to forget about the Man I spent my entire summer serving. I pray every night, try my damnedest not to forget that I'm here, on this planet, to live for Him. And I'm doing my best. But I don't think my best is enough anymore. I'm so tired of fighting for something that isn't there to help me every time I ask for it. But then again... He's not supposed to be there helping me every step of the way. He isn't that kind of God.
My Development of Modern Christian Thought course is teaching me a lot about Him, and the ways that past Christians believed He worked. I still have not a clue as to what any of it means, but I'm working on it. Now I'm doing a project on C.S. Lewis, and learning more about my faith than I care to admit. It's much too much for me to write down, type down, or whatever.
Basically, my life is going the way I wanted it to, but I'm not really getting to enjoy it. I'm doing everything right, but not reaping benefits that I was sure would be the result of hard work and determination.
My dad and mom said they'd never lie to me... why do I feel like I've been betrayed?
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Sunday, July 6, 2008
Tonight I Wanna Cry
And I wanna cry hard. I've become sick of my emotions. Sick of the fact that they have a mind of their own and that I will never gain control over them. And dang it, I want that control. I want to say, "No, you can't feel that way about him, because someone else does, and he probably feels the same way about her. Not to mention that someone else is a good friend, and you care about her dearly," and the feelings I have for this guy would just go away. But no, I'm stuck with the overwhelming inability to breathe whenever I'm around him. My heart breaks every time I see him with her, knowing that he probably has feelings for her, too. I want to tell him, but I want her to tell him how she feels first, because that way their relationship could be or not. As much as it's shattering my heart to want them to be happy, it's what I want. They could be perfect for each other, they could not, I may just be insane, but I want her to be happy before me. Besides, is it really that big a deal that I'll go through guy number... geez, I lost count. I've liked so many guys who didn't feel the same way about me, I've lost count. That's pathetic. So is it really that big a deal that yet another guy hasn't liked me back? I guess not, but I guess I've never felt this strongly for someone before. I'm older, more mature, and know the difference between physical attraction and attraction on an emotional level. I don't deny that this guy is attractive, but... it was his personality that really attracted me to him. He's a sweetheart, and I don't think there's anything bad about him that I could point out on the spot. But he so obviously likes someone else, I feel like a lost soul in the River Styx of emotion.
I keep finding myself dwelling on the issue of telling him. Would it really hurt that bad if I told him, and he didn't feel that way about me? Well, duh, but does it really matter? Won't I get over it like I normally do? I mean, it's not going to kill me if I find out that he likes her and not me. I was just told today that I'm the kind of person people like to talk to. I'm fun to talk to, and I attract people that way. But... if that's true, then him talking to me isn't as weird as Jordan made it out to be. That's the kind of person I am, so it doesn't surprise me that he likes to talk to me. But talking is the extent of our friendship, I believe. I don't feel comfortable enough asking him if he wants to watch a movie with a group of friends, or anything like that. Which is bad, in my eyes. If you can't feel comfortable hanging out with someone outside of a work-like environment, what potential is there for anything beyond? None. So I'm no one special to him. Just someone he can talk to. I mean, his little brother is awesome. Such a cute kid. And the guy loves him to death. Even bought him a birthday present that he put some real thought into. It warmed my heart to know that siblings have that kind of relationship still. I've even hung out with them on occasion, watching them play games. They're such a close family. I kind of envy them, but not to the extent where I want their family as my own. I'm happy with mine. We get along pretty well now.
I found things that we connect over, though. I played Spit with him once. It's a card game... kind of like a twisted version of Speed Solitaire. I love it, and I'm pretty good. But he kicked my butt in the end. He also likes The Emperor's New Groove, one of my favorite movies of all time. We were showing it at camp, and I was sitting next to him as we watched, and I kept reciting the lines that I still remembered, and he turned to me and said, "You love this, don't you?" I just nodded, completely enthralled in the movie, twirling a sprig of rosemary that I had picked on my way there between my fingers. I love the smell of it, and it keeps me completely at peace and relaxed. On my way there, I had actually ended up walking with him. He, too, loves the smell of rosemary. It's kind of funny. Every time I have it, he wants to smell it. And every time, whether he notices or not, I blush.
But last time I gave it to him to smell, he gave it back to me, and I had to turn away, because I actually started crying. Idiot me decided to tell the other girl that I liked him, and that I didn't think I had a chance with him. And I'm convinced I don't now. But I cried long and hard that night. In the same room as him. He didn't notice, and I doubt he'd have thought I was crying over him. But I cried. And it felt terrible. It was the first time crying didn't alleviate my pain. It made it worse.
So what am I going to do about all of this? Nothing. Absolutely, positively nothing. I'm going to sit back and watch the first guy I've had legitimate feelings for in over a year slip into the hands of another girl, because I feel too guilty to tell him how I feel. I hate myself for it, but I can't do that to her. Never. Not in a million years.
I've never been the kind to ever let my feelings show
And I thought that being strong meant never losing your self control
But I'm just drunk enough to let go of my pain
To hell with my pride
Let it fall like rain from my eyes
Tonight I wanna cry.
I keep finding myself dwelling on the issue of telling him. Would it really hurt that bad if I told him, and he didn't feel that way about me? Well, duh, but does it really matter? Won't I get over it like I normally do? I mean, it's not going to kill me if I find out that he likes her and not me. I was just told today that I'm the kind of person people like to talk to. I'm fun to talk to, and I attract people that way. But... if that's true, then him talking to me isn't as weird as Jordan made it out to be. That's the kind of person I am, so it doesn't surprise me that he likes to talk to me. But talking is the extent of our friendship, I believe. I don't feel comfortable enough asking him if he wants to watch a movie with a group of friends, or anything like that. Which is bad, in my eyes. If you can't feel comfortable hanging out with someone outside of a work-like environment, what potential is there for anything beyond? None. So I'm no one special to him. Just someone he can talk to. I mean, his little brother is awesome. Such a cute kid. And the guy loves him to death. Even bought him a birthday present that he put some real thought into. It warmed my heart to know that siblings have that kind of relationship still. I've even hung out with them on occasion, watching them play games. They're such a close family. I kind of envy them, but not to the extent where I want their family as my own. I'm happy with mine. We get along pretty well now.
I found things that we connect over, though. I played Spit with him once. It's a card game... kind of like a twisted version of Speed Solitaire. I love it, and I'm pretty good. But he kicked my butt in the end. He also likes The Emperor's New Groove, one of my favorite movies of all time. We were showing it at camp, and I was sitting next to him as we watched, and I kept reciting the lines that I still remembered, and he turned to me and said, "You love this, don't you?" I just nodded, completely enthralled in the movie, twirling a sprig of rosemary that I had picked on my way there between my fingers. I love the smell of it, and it keeps me completely at peace and relaxed. On my way there, I had actually ended up walking with him. He, too, loves the smell of rosemary. It's kind of funny. Every time I have it, he wants to smell it. And every time, whether he notices or not, I blush.
But last time I gave it to him to smell, he gave it back to me, and I had to turn away, because I actually started crying. Idiot me decided to tell the other girl that I liked him, and that I didn't think I had a chance with him. And I'm convinced I don't now. But I cried long and hard that night. In the same room as him. He didn't notice, and I doubt he'd have thought I was crying over him. But I cried. And it felt terrible. It was the first time crying didn't alleviate my pain. It made it worse.
So what am I going to do about all of this? Nothing. Absolutely, positively nothing. I'm going to sit back and watch the first guy I've had legitimate feelings for in over a year slip into the hands of another girl, because I feel too guilty to tell him how I feel. I hate myself for it, but I can't do that to her. Never. Not in a million years.
I've never been the kind to ever let my feelings show
And I thought that being strong meant never losing your self control
But I'm just drunk enough to let go of my pain
To hell with my pride
Let it fall like rain from my eyes
Tonight I wanna cry.
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
Emotions Are And Always Will Be...
... the bane of my existence. Big time. My emotions are in hyper drive, which is not a good thing. I mean, I don't mind them, especially when I'm super in tune with them, but it's not a good thing when you start:
a) Liking a guy you have absolutely no chance with
b) Liking a guy one of your friends likes
c) Arguing things when you have no chance of dissuading the other of their opinion
d) Making yourself completely and utterly nuts because you can't bring them under control
OK. There's the list of crap that I'm dealing with. The first two are somewhat combined, mainly because I find myself attracted to two guys. One falls into option 'a', while the other falls in to both options 'a' and 'b'. Now, if I had the guts, I'd put names, but I just can't. I bring this blog up way too much to reveal that much.
Anyhow, both guys are sweet. They're kind, and funny, and all around good people. I just... I know I wouldn't stand a chance with either of them. I'm so lame, and just... awkward. I mean, I can talk to one of them pretty well... in fact, my... feelings... for him just surfaced. And I can't like him... seriously, I shouldn't. Someone else likes him, and she happens to be a good friend of mine, now. I mean, I only met her recently, but she's still a kick butt friend, and I wouldn't want to lose her over a guy. I asked her, hypothetically, how she would feel if she found out someone else liked him, and she said she might be upset. Even the possibility makes me upset.
I'm going to point out that I described their personalities. That doesn't mean I don't find them attractive, because I do, but that's not what I look for in a guy. I look for a fun loving, outgoing guy, who loves to be active (even though I don't). I love a musically inclined guy, but usually I want funny first, talented second. So, if he's a total tard when it comes to music, he's still great. Looks come in at about ten. Hence my attraction to Jackson, Brandon, Dan... jeez, if I bring that jerk up, I'll probably implode from the stress.
Yeah, this place definitely has not been the place for finding boys in the past. That's just Dan though. He was a jerk who thought that he could find a girl and get laid... at a Christian camp! Way to go, moron.
Moving on... I hate being here when it comes to guys. They're all so sweet, but my abrasive nature always ends up being the turn off that has them running off to the 'normal' girls. I mean, yes, I'm a crazy, nutty, freaky girl... but doesn't that make me more fun? More of a challenge. I'm a virgin... OK. That makes me inexperienced. I've never been kissed, and they all know that. OK. Makes me even more unexperienced.
Is anybody sensing a pattern here.
Guys are afraid that they'll have to deal with the newbie. Alright... maybe. But I doubt it. At least with these guys. I love the people here because they are so nonjudgmental. They don't give a crap if you're a slut or a virgin (though I think it'd be frowned upon to be a slut at Jesus camp). Not that I think that being a slut is a bad thing... well, I don't think premarital sex is a bad thing. As long as you're careful and love who you're doing it with.
Wow, off topic, much, Amanda? Yeah, probably. Well, it's because I'm so freaking physically, mentally, and, above all, emotionally exhausted. I need to figure things out, and I don't think Jordan is going to be of much assistance.
Whoever said emotions are fleeting needs a swift kick in the pants.
a) Liking a guy you have absolutely no chance with
b) Liking a guy one of your friends likes
c) Arguing things when you have no chance of dissuading the other of their opinion
d) Making yourself completely and utterly nuts because you can't bring them under control
OK. There's the list of crap that I'm dealing with. The first two are somewhat combined, mainly because I find myself attracted to two guys. One falls into option 'a', while the other falls in to both options 'a' and 'b'. Now, if I had the guts, I'd put names, but I just can't. I bring this blog up way too much to reveal that much.
Anyhow, both guys are sweet. They're kind, and funny, and all around good people. I just... I know I wouldn't stand a chance with either of them. I'm so lame, and just... awkward. I mean, I can talk to one of them pretty well... in fact, my... feelings... for him just surfaced. And I can't like him... seriously, I shouldn't. Someone else likes him, and she happens to be a good friend of mine, now. I mean, I only met her recently, but she's still a kick butt friend, and I wouldn't want to lose her over a guy. I asked her, hypothetically, how she would feel if she found out someone else liked him, and she said she might be upset. Even the possibility makes me upset.
I'm going to point out that I described their personalities. That doesn't mean I don't find them attractive, because I do, but that's not what I look for in a guy. I look for a fun loving, outgoing guy, who loves to be active (even though I don't). I love a musically inclined guy, but usually I want funny first, talented second. So, if he's a total tard when it comes to music, he's still great. Looks come in at about ten. Hence my attraction to Jackson, Brandon, Dan... jeez, if I bring that jerk up, I'll probably implode from the stress.
Yeah, this place definitely has not been the place for finding boys in the past. That's just Dan though. He was a jerk who thought that he could find a girl and get laid... at a Christian camp! Way to go, moron.
Moving on... I hate being here when it comes to guys. They're all so sweet, but my abrasive nature always ends up being the turn off that has them running off to the 'normal' girls. I mean, yes, I'm a crazy, nutty, freaky girl... but doesn't that make me more fun? More of a challenge. I'm a virgin... OK. That makes me inexperienced. I've never been kissed, and they all know that. OK. Makes me even more unexperienced.
Is anybody sensing a pattern here.
Guys are afraid that they'll have to deal with the newbie. Alright... maybe. But I doubt it. At least with these guys. I love the people here because they are so nonjudgmental. They don't give a crap if you're a slut or a virgin (though I think it'd be frowned upon to be a slut at Jesus camp). Not that I think that being a slut is a bad thing... well, I don't think premarital sex is a bad thing. As long as you're careful and love who you're doing it with.
Wow, off topic, much, Amanda? Yeah, probably. Well, it's because I'm so freaking physically, mentally, and, above all, emotionally exhausted. I need to figure things out, and I don't think Jordan is going to be of much assistance.
Whoever said emotions are fleeting needs a swift kick in the pants.
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
A Pilgrim Pines State of Mind
Alright, so I'm finally at camp, which is an absolutely wonderful thing. I couldn't be any happier than I am at this very moment. This place is my Disney World. And the greatest thing: I'm completely on my own... getting paid for being happy. I work in the kitchen, which is kind of draining, but a shower and an hour long nap, and I'm happy again. I mean, seriously. Patrick, Albie, Hannah A, Hannah B, Gina, Carolyn, Mary... so many familiar faces have returned, and I feel right at home with them all here. But the new faces are who make it completely worth the while. Hannah J (yes, I know, a lot of Hannahs), Amy, Sarah, and so many others are just wonderful people. I've bonded so well with everyone already, and it's just an amazing feeling.
But that's not why I'm blogging today. It was something that happened today, on my day off. Something that had me on the verge of tears. It was shortly after breakfast, and I had to go to a silly little meeting for food service. Afterwards, I went back to the lodge, where child care was taking place. I wasn't planning on going in, and my urge to do so was lessened further by the incessant screaming of one of the children. I thought she was just fussing because one of the boys took her toy. But then I heard it: "MOMMY!" I almost ran right in there, but I saw Hannah A, one of my bosses, taking care of it. However, fifteen minutes later, she came out, and the girl was still screaming as she shut the door. It was breaking my heart, and I hated that the girl felt that way because she was missing her mom. So, instead of avoiding the child like she was the plague, I went in and immediately walked over to her.
I knelt down behind her, and started trying to comfort her. I ran my hand along her back, like you would a baby when they cry, and said absolutely nothing. Then, five, maybe ten minutes (I lost track of time) later, I asked her if she wanted a hug... and I was floored. She turned around and wrapped her arms around my neck. She was still sniffling and crying a little bit, but the sobs were fewer and far between. I picked her up and sat on the couch with her in my lap. Every time Sarah, one of the girls in child care, opened the door, Jessi (the little girl I was holding) would turn and check: obviously looking to see if it was her mother. It was breaking my heart to see her so desperate to see her mom. I kept rubbing her back reassuringly, trying to keep her relaxed, because I didn't want her to start crying again. When I checked her face for signs of tears fifteen minutes later, I realized the most incredible thing: she had fallen asleep.
A little later on, I tried to lay her down on the couch, but she latched her arms around my neck in a death grip, so I decided to just let her stay in my lap. For about an hour I sat on that couch, Jessi sleeping in my lap, I myself beginning to nod off due to the exhaustion I was feeling from working three days in a row. I didn't fall asleep, but I came close. But what surprised me even more that I was ready to cry. I was so emotionally overwhelmed by the fact that I was able to successfully comfort a child into a quiet slumber. As I type this, I feel the same thing. My eyes are burning, and the tears are welling up. But, I won't cry. Dinner is soon! I just... I love the feeling that I got when she warmed up to me. And Sarah and Krista (the other girl in child care), kept reminding me of that. I think I should talk to someone about it, but I probably won't. I'm not vain about it... I'm just so proud. My heart swelled for the first time since last summer.
I'm finally happy again.
But that's not why I'm blogging today. It was something that happened today, on my day off. Something that had me on the verge of tears. It was shortly after breakfast, and I had to go to a silly little meeting for food service. Afterwards, I went back to the lodge, where child care was taking place. I wasn't planning on going in, and my urge to do so was lessened further by the incessant screaming of one of the children. I thought she was just fussing because one of the boys took her toy. But then I heard it: "MOMMY!" I almost ran right in there, but I saw Hannah A, one of my bosses, taking care of it. However, fifteen minutes later, she came out, and the girl was still screaming as she shut the door. It was breaking my heart, and I hated that the girl felt that way because she was missing her mom. So, instead of avoiding the child like she was the plague, I went in and immediately walked over to her.
I knelt down behind her, and started trying to comfort her. I ran my hand along her back, like you would a baby when they cry, and said absolutely nothing. Then, five, maybe ten minutes (I lost track of time) later, I asked her if she wanted a hug... and I was floored. She turned around and wrapped her arms around my neck. She was still sniffling and crying a little bit, but the sobs were fewer and far between. I picked her up and sat on the couch with her in my lap. Every time Sarah, one of the girls in child care, opened the door, Jessi (the little girl I was holding) would turn and check: obviously looking to see if it was her mother. It was breaking my heart to see her so desperate to see her mom. I kept rubbing her back reassuringly, trying to keep her relaxed, because I didn't want her to start crying again. When I checked her face for signs of tears fifteen minutes later, I realized the most incredible thing: she had fallen asleep.
A little later on, I tried to lay her down on the couch, but she latched her arms around my neck in a death grip, so I decided to just let her stay in my lap. For about an hour I sat on that couch, Jessi sleeping in my lap, I myself beginning to nod off due to the exhaustion I was feeling from working three days in a row. I didn't fall asleep, but I came close. But what surprised me even more that I was ready to cry. I was so emotionally overwhelmed by the fact that I was able to successfully comfort a child into a quiet slumber. As I type this, I feel the same thing. My eyes are burning, and the tears are welling up. But, I won't cry. Dinner is soon! I just... I love the feeling that I got when she warmed up to me. And Sarah and Krista (the other girl in child care), kept reminding me of that. I think I should talk to someone about it, but I probably won't. I'm not vain about it... I'm just so proud. My heart swelled for the first time since last summer.
I'm finally happy again.
Sunday, June 8, 2008
Blast From The Past
Have you ever had those moments? The ones where you just want to go back to when you were younger, more carefree? Where life wasn't such a serious thing? Ever crave that feeling of nostalgia that makes that possible? Well, lately, I have. It's been hectic, lately, at my house. Moving out of my mother's house and into my father's has been hell. Basically, this was a phone conversation with my sister after I finally did the deed.
Megan: So are you still planning on working at the Pines this summer?
Me: Yeah.
Megan: Well, I hope you know how you're getting there, because you're not gonna embarrass me and mom with your shit.
Me: *click*
It's like, seriously? I'm embarrassing them? That's crap. I moved out because it was beginning to dawn on me that my mother and I are poison for each other. We can't go a full twenty four hours without fighting, which is just plain wrong. If I had stayed fully in contact with them, we would've either killed each other or embarrassed the hell out of ourselves. Not to mention Megan is probably going to start bitch rumors about me, because that's the kind of person she seems to have become. I mean, I love my sister. God knows that I can't help that. But that doesn't mean I have to like her. It's a common misconception. Just because they're family, and you have to love them as such, it does not mean that you have to like them. And, to be honest, sometimes I just want to kick her in the shin.
So now I'm living with my dad. He told me yesterday what Megan had said to him when she called, when she had found out that I was moving. We were trying to keep it a secret from my mother, because God only knows what she would've done if we hadn't. But when Megan found out, it was because I was an idiot and put my stupid letter to my mother on the arm of the chair I was sitting in. When she saw it, she picked it up and read it. Then she asked if I was moving. I decided not to lie.
Stupid, stupid move.
She then proceeded to call my father and tell him that he's an unfit parent and that he should know that, and that I should be living with him. I almost called her and bitched to her, because my father is a better man than the rest of my family makes him out to be. He's no longer the drugged up bastard who ditched his kids when they needed him most. He now is a man who gives a damn and will do whatever it takes to make life better for his children. I wanted to tell her that, slap her in the face, beat her until she understood that our father is not a bastard. But I couldn't. I couldn't yell at her, or hurt her. And I'll be damned if I ever get that angry ever again.
Now sometimes I wonder how I became the only person in my family to see that my father changed. I guess it's because I'm the only one who spent enough time with him. The only one who wanted to spend time with him. Megan was too selfish and engrossed in her own life to give a rat's ass about my father. She spent the weekends he decided to come, and was never affected by him skipping out. I always noticed. I couldn't help but notice. He was my father, and I loved him, and I wanted to see him. How she became so blind to the pain he caused is lost on me. I only forgave him because I saw him trying. I saw the effort he was putting into his parenting. So, I guess that's how I am different from everyone else. But their ignorance still pisses me off. It's almost painful... no, it is painful to hear them talk bad about my father, when he's been trying his best to be a better father.
And he is a better father.
Oh well, whatever. I'm out of my mother's house, and living with my father. I'm happy here. It's safe, and I get along better with the people I live with. Not to mention I have at least eight companions at all times. Granted, I can't talk to them... but they are fun to play with. I love all animals of the feline persuasion.
But when I spoke of going back to the past... it was silly me being random. I mean, I did, lately. That craving for nostalgia was so strong, and it only grew worse when none other than Megan showed me the Evolution of Dance video on YouTube. I couldn't help but think of how funny it was. And the music that the guy used had me wondering: Why haven't I listened to this stuff lately? It had been so long since I listened to the Backstreet Boys or N*Sync, I decided to look up some of their stuff. Now (and I damn it to hell) I can't stop listening to them. I have Larger Than Life constantly stuck in my head, as well as Bye, Bye, Bye. Not that I mind all the time. It used to be my favorite music. But then I discovered The Who and thought I was over the others. But now I find that I am wrong.
As I listened to their songs (and it didn't matter what it was: popular songs, not so popular songs, etc.) I realized I still knew pretty much all of the words. And when Bringin' Da Noise from the No Strings Attached album came on, I had another flashback, almost immediately, to the old Disney Channel Movies. Y'know, like Smart House and Zenon: Girl of the 21st Century? Well, this particular memory was tied to The Other Me. I loved that movie, and was surprised at how long it had been since I'd seen, let alone thought, about it. So, I then looked that movie up on YouTube, and lo and behold, there were some clips from it. I was so excited, I nearly had a heart attack. It had the scene I loved, that featured the aforementioned N*Sync song, so I was incredibly happy. That made the nostalgia craving die down, and I've been pretty much sated since. Except, I can't freaking get Larger Than Life out of my head.
06/08/08
Amanda
Megan: So are you still planning on working at the Pines this summer?
Me: Yeah.
Megan: Well, I hope you know how you're getting there, because you're not gonna embarrass me and mom with your shit.
Me: *click*
It's like, seriously? I'm embarrassing them? That's crap. I moved out because it was beginning to dawn on me that my mother and I are poison for each other. We can't go a full twenty four hours without fighting, which is just plain wrong. If I had stayed fully in contact with them, we would've either killed each other or embarrassed the hell out of ourselves. Not to mention Megan is probably going to start bitch rumors about me, because that's the kind of person she seems to have become. I mean, I love my sister. God knows that I can't help that. But that doesn't mean I have to like her. It's a common misconception. Just because they're family, and you have to love them as such, it does not mean that you have to like them. And, to be honest, sometimes I just want to kick her in the shin.
So now I'm living with my dad. He told me yesterday what Megan had said to him when she called, when she had found out that I was moving. We were trying to keep it a secret from my mother, because God only knows what she would've done if we hadn't. But when Megan found out, it was because I was an idiot and put my stupid letter to my mother on the arm of the chair I was sitting in. When she saw it, she picked it up and read it. Then she asked if I was moving. I decided not to lie.
Stupid, stupid move.
She then proceeded to call my father and tell him that he's an unfit parent and that he should know that, and that I should be living with him. I almost called her and bitched to her, because my father is a better man than the rest of my family makes him out to be. He's no longer the drugged up bastard who ditched his kids when they needed him most. He now is a man who gives a damn and will do whatever it takes to make life better for his children. I wanted to tell her that, slap her in the face, beat her until she understood that our father is not a bastard. But I couldn't. I couldn't yell at her, or hurt her. And I'll be damned if I ever get that angry ever again.
Now sometimes I wonder how I became the only person in my family to see that my father changed. I guess it's because I'm the only one who spent enough time with him. The only one who wanted to spend time with him. Megan was too selfish and engrossed in her own life to give a rat's ass about my father. She spent the weekends he decided to come, and was never affected by him skipping out. I always noticed. I couldn't help but notice. He was my father, and I loved him, and I wanted to see him. How she became so blind to the pain he caused is lost on me. I only forgave him because I saw him trying. I saw the effort he was putting into his parenting. So, I guess that's how I am different from everyone else. But their ignorance still pisses me off. It's almost painful... no, it is painful to hear them talk bad about my father, when he's been trying his best to be a better father.
And he is a better father.
Oh well, whatever. I'm out of my mother's house, and living with my father. I'm happy here. It's safe, and I get along better with the people I live with. Not to mention I have at least eight companions at all times. Granted, I can't talk to them... but they are fun to play with. I love all animals of the feline persuasion.
But when I spoke of going back to the past... it was silly me being random. I mean, I did, lately. That craving for nostalgia was so strong, and it only grew worse when none other than Megan showed me the Evolution of Dance video on YouTube. I couldn't help but think of how funny it was. And the music that the guy used had me wondering: Why haven't I listened to this stuff lately? It had been so long since I listened to the Backstreet Boys or N*Sync, I decided to look up some of their stuff. Now (and I damn it to hell) I can't stop listening to them. I have Larger Than Life constantly stuck in my head, as well as Bye, Bye, Bye. Not that I mind all the time. It used to be my favorite music. But then I discovered The Who and thought I was over the others. But now I find that I am wrong.
As I listened to their songs (and it didn't matter what it was: popular songs, not so popular songs, etc.) I realized I still knew pretty much all of the words. And when Bringin' Da Noise from the No Strings Attached album came on, I had another flashback, almost immediately, to the old Disney Channel Movies. Y'know, like Smart House and Zenon: Girl of the 21st Century? Well, this particular memory was tied to The Other Me. I loved that movie, and was surprised at how long it had been since I'd seen, let alone thought, about it. So, I then looked that movie up on YouTube, and lo and behold, there were some clips from it. I was so excited, I nearly had a heart attack. It had the scene I loved, that featured the aforementioned N*Sync song, so I was incredibly happy. That made the nostalgia craving die down, and I've been pretty much sated since. Except, I can't freaking get Larger Than Life out of my head.
06/08/08
Amanda
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
Hate Is A Loaded Word
Four letters. H-A-T-E. And yet it can mean so little or so much. It really is a loaded word. Many people don't understand the significance of this word. Mainly because it means different things to different people. To me, it means to wish upon someone the worst possible pain, to suffer the worst possible punishment that mankind can think up. In my mind, I find it impossible to feel that way about anyone, let alone imagine how another person could possibly feel that way. But then I see the state of the world around me. Lawrence King, only fourteen when he was gunned down by a classmate, just because he asked him to be his valentine. Matthew Shepard, lured from a bar, beaten into unconsciousness and left to die, tied to a fence. Gwen Araujo, killed by friends when they found out that she was really a he. Brandon Teena, raped and eventually murdered because he was actually Teena Brandon. Seventy one women, all prostitutes, murdered by a man who had this crazy idea that it was O.K. to do it. Twenty two of their bodies were never found. Twenty three families, maybe more, unable to bury their dead daughters because the sick bastard forgot where they were buried. I watch accounts of these stories and dozens, possibly hundreds of others, and get sick to my stomach. How does someone come to hate a person so much that murder becomes the only option? Or do they really hate this person? Is it hate or fear that motivates them to their ultimate decision to kill?
I've done a lot of thinking over the course of my nineteen years of life. Most of my thoughts focused on this in the past two. It had a lot to do with my role as an ally in the GLBT community. Once I made friends that were gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgendered, I began to see a side of humanity that I'd been sheltered from for most of my life. People are persecuted not only for race or religion, but for who they love. The biggest oxymoron of them all. Hating love. Isn't that just a peachy way for Americans to live their lives? Hating something so beautiful and natural?
I don't know. I want to go into more depth on this, but it just gets me so riled up, I can't think straight for more than a few moments. I want to write this, but I"m not going to. I'll elaborate when I see fit. But... not right now.
06/03/08
Amanda
I've done a lot of thinking over the course of my nineteen years of life. Most of my thoughts focused on this in the past two. It had a lot to do with my role as an ally in the GLBT community. Once I made friends that were gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgendered, I began to see a side of humanity that I'd been sheltered from for most of my life. People are persecuted not only for race or religion, but for who they love. The biggest oxymoron of them all. Hating love. Isn't that just a peachy way for Americans to live their lives? Hating something so beautiful and natural?
I don't know. I want to go into more depth on this, but it just gets me so riled up, I can't think straight for more than a few moments. I want to write this, but I"m not going to. I'll elaborate when I see fit. But... not right now.
06/03/08
Amanda
Thursday, May 22, 2008
Revelations
Oh, dear. My brother just got home from school (which is all the way across the country) and I have yet to say hello to him. Don't ask me why, it's complicated. I love my brother to death, so it doesn't make sense that I'm not downstairs going, "OMG YOU'RE HOME!" *pounce* I mean, seriously, people, he's my brother! It's like, "Hey, what's up?" I'm not the most likely to greet someone the second they come to the house. I mean, if it were my sister-in-law, I'd be all over that. "Hey, Brooke! How are you? How's the baby doing?" I mean, I haven't even seen her since the wedding. She's starting to show, pregnancy wise, and I can't wait for the baby to start kicking. I can't wait for the baby to be born, for Pete's sake. I'm gonna have a nephew! But... the people that have been there my entire life, my brothers, sisters, parents... they're the people I don't really have a strong reaction to. But when it's someone that I've just begun to care about, I do my best to keep that relationship strong, fresh. I care about Brooke deeply, because she makes my brother happy, and she cares about the rest of my family, despite the fact that we've been nothing but insane when she's around. She's seen the reality of my family, and still wants to be a part of it. That relieves me, because it proves that my family isn't entirely hopeless.
The picture of us at the wedding is hanging in our living room now. I choke up every time I see it, because it rests under a picture of Sarah and her former fiancé, Andy. To see a happy moment, captured forever in a silver frame, depicting myself, Laura, Adam, Jeremy, my mother, and Megan, standing neatly in a row, nestled comfortably under the couple that could never be again, it makes me cringe. I won't dare tell my mother this, because it will make her think of it. It's not fair to her. She doesn't need to have a marvelous occasion such as her son getting married marred by the overactive brain of her daughter. I can't keep doing that to her.
I've found myself diving into the world of fan fiction even further as the time passes from the finales of my favorite shows. I think the worst thing that happened, though, was when one character was killed off on a show I love. But after I realized how serious my reaction was, I thought to myself, 'You're sick... that reaction wasn't healthy, and you know it. You need to get your head out of the clouds and back to reality. It's the only way you're going to change the way you are into what you want to be." These crazy revelations have been happening a lot lately, and it makes me wonder if I've known it all along. I mean, Cassie pointing out my unhealthy obsession with CSI caused a huge rift in our friendship, but now we're good again. I think, when we settled our differences, I had subconsciously admitted that she was right. And now, moving away from that obsession, I realize how terribly lost I was without it. It was pathetic. I think what I needed to do was put more living, breathing people into my life to fill this massive void I created when my life revolved around CSI. For just one moment, I need to step back and review what I've done with my life these past nine months. Then I need to fix it. I messed up, and I need to repair the damage that I caused.
05/22/08
Amanda
The picture of us at the wedding is hanging in our living room now. I choke up every time I see it, because it rests under a picture of Sarah and her former fiancé, Andy. To see a happy moment, captured forever in a silver frame, depicting myself, Laura, Adam, Jeremy, my mother, and Megan, standing neatly in a row, nestled comfortably under the couple that could never be again, it makes me cringe. I won't dare tell my mother this, because it will make her think of it. It's not fair to her. She doesn't need to have a marvelous occasion such as her son getting married marred by the overactive brain of her daughter. I can't keep doing that to her.
I've found myself diving into the world of fan fiction even further as the time passes from the finales of my favorite shows. I think the worst thing that happened, though, was when one character was killed off on a show I love. But after I realized how serious my reaction was, I thought to myself, 'You're sick... that reaction wasn't healthy, and you know it. You need to get your head out of the clouds and back to reality. It's the only way you're going to change the way you are into what you want to be." These crazy revelations have been happening a lot lately, and it makes me wonder if I've known it all along. I mean, Cassie pointing out my unhealthy obsession with CSI caused a huge rift in our friendship, but now we're good again. I think, when we settled our differences, I had subconsciously admitted that she was right. And now, moving away from that obsession, I realize how terribly lost I was without it. It was pathetic. I think what I needed to do was put more living, breathing people into my life to fill this massive void I created when my life revolved around CSI. For just one moment, I need to step back and review what I've done with my life these past nine months. Then I need to fix it. I messed up, and I need to repair the damage that I caused.
05/22/08
Amanda
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
Catching Up With The Speed Of Life
Okay, so I'm officially back home from the dude ranch, and I'm loving it. Except for the minor back and hip pain, and the excruciating pain in my neck, I'm happy. I didn't really get the full blow of summer until I got home, mainly because upstate New York is still really cold for the middle of May. It wasn't the greatest weekend ever, mainly because I fought a lot the entire time with my family, but we all kept getting along again, if only for a short while before the next fight began. I swear, I love my family, they just get on my bad side a little too much. It's times like these when I really miss my cat, Mitzi. She passed away just last month, and it was a major blow, because I hadn't seen her in two weeks. But it was a good thing I was at my dad's house with the Enigmatic Eight. They became my best friends when I cried.
I don't really know how I fell so behind with my life, though. I look around me and see all my friends with boyfriends or girlfriends, loving and being loved, happy and making others happy. I know I'm jealous, but it's because I don't have any of that. The only person that I'm truly getting along with is my father, and even that's a stretch at this point. We fight just a bit more than usual, but that's for actual, substantial reasons. As I realize that my life is a bit emptier than I had ever thought, I know what I need to do to fix that little problem. I need to talk to more people, but think about what I say. I need to respect those who deserve it (and not just who I think deserve it), and gain the respect of those who matter. I need to crawl out of my little protective shell. I feel like working this summer might help, but it's not going to be enough just being there. I have to put myself out there, make myself approachable. If I hide behind a book or my laptop 99% of the time, I'm going to fail at this desperate attempt to be noticed. I thought by talking to people online would help, but that just makes it worse. Blogging here is just a release, but it isn't the only solution for my emotional turmoil.
If I'm going to change the person I am into someone more desirable, approachable, and lovable... it's going to take a lot of work. It's going to mean giving up a lot of what made me comfortable. I mean, not permanently, but I have to put a lot of things on the back burner. My stories, for instance, will be written when I'm about to go to sleep, or during a break in which everyone else is working. My computer will stay in my bag until I absolutely need it. The FCG may have to go without my existence for a bit. I hate to do that, but it's a possibility that seems all too important. I miss my friends. I miss hanging out with those who wanted to hang out with me. I miss that person that made friends, awkwardly or not. I need her back more than ever. I need to get rid of this self-destructive mess I call my personality and repair the damage I've caused.
Easier said than done, I know. But it will get done, over time.
05/21/08
Amanda
I don't really know how I fell so behind with my life, though. I look around me and see all my friends with boyfriends or girlfriends, loving and being loved, happy and making others happy. I know I'm jealous, but it's because I don't have any of that. The only person that I'm truly getting along with is my father, and even that's a stretch at this point. We fight just a bit more than usual, but that's for actual, substantial reasons. As I realize that my life is a bit emptier than I had ever thought, I know what I need to do to fix that little problem. I need to talk to more people, but think about what I say. I need to respect those who deserve it (and not just who I think deserve it), and gain the respect of those who matter. I need to crawl out of my little protective shell. I feel like working this summer might help, but it's not going to be enough just being there. I have to put myself out there, make myself approachable. If I hide behind a book or my laptop 99% of the time, I'm going to fail at this desperate attempt to be noticed. I thought by talking to people online would help, but that just makes it worse. Blogging here is just a release, but it isn't the only solution for my emotional turmoil.
If I'm going to change the person I am into someone more desirable, approachable, and lovable... it's going to take a lot of work. It's going to mean giving up a lot of what made me comfortable. I mean, not permanently, but I have to put a lot of things on the back burner. My stories, for instance, will be written when I'm about to go to sleep, or during a break in which everyone else is working. My computer will stay in my bag until I absolutely need it. The FCG may have to go without my existence for a bit. I hate to do that, but it's a possibility that seems all too important. I miss my friends. I miss hanging out with those who wanted to hang out with me. I miss that person that made friends, awkwardly or not. I need her back more than ever. I need to get rid of this self-destructive mess I call my personality and repair the damage I've caused.
Easier said than done, I know. But it will get done, over time.
05/21/08
Amanda
Sunday, May 18, 2008
They Have Horses In Hell?
Okay, this has probably been the worst vacation ever. I'm sore from my neck to my ankles, my head is killing me from lack of sleep, my mother is being a total skank, and so is my sister. I swear, I've never known those two to treat me so badly. I've had my mean moments this weekend, but they're taking it too far. I mean, I'm sitting here, wanting to scream and cry and possibly kick a puppy. It's like, when will the insanity end. Not to mention I'll have to ride back home four hours in a freaking car with them. At the moment, I'm listening to rock, trying to calm down. Chris Daughtry is playing, and it's helping, but I still want to kick something and cry. I hate how my family can treat me so terribly with no thought of how it will affect me later on. I hope they realize that once we get home, I'm going to live with my father and that's that. I never want to see them again. It's been a bad year at school, and this side of the family hasn't been at all helpful for my sanity. I'm losing my mind, slowly, but surely, and suddenly I don't care. I just want it to be over. I want to be out of that house forever. I knew it was going to be bad if I came here with them, and I still did. Blame it on the guilt factor I felt for skipping out on what I thought was a birthday present, but what just turned out to be hell and a half, with horses. I can usually talk myself down from this mindset, but it just isn't working today. I'm so tired of being treated like a verbal punching bag. They think they can say whatever the hell they want and it will have absolutely no effect whatsoever on my state of being.
This has always been a tenuous trip for my family. I mean, it never goes well. When the mother's boyfriend comes, he's an idiot and treats us with nothing but the utmost disrespect. I wanna kick him by the time we leave. He doesn't even really like horses, and yet he wants to come to a dude ranch? What the hell, mate? Grow something resembling a brain and use it. But when he doesn't come, it isn't any better. My sister is a bitch 99% of the time, and aims that at me a majority of the time. She doesn't even bother being discreet. She just bluntly hates me out loud. I'm sick of it entirely, because her hatred is contagious, and now my stupid mother is treating me the same way. I just want to sleep. I just want to sleep this trip away and let them do what they will. I'll eat next week or something. I just don't give a damn anymore. I've become so tired of being their bitch. I am not an emotionless idiot. I have feelings, and they hurt them more than they'll ever know because they're idiots who don't respect others.
I've come to realize that my sister is not the good girl she comes off as anymore. She's a skank. Not like the sleep-around-get-drunk-and-high-knocked-up-at-nineteen kind of skank. Just an I-don't-love-anyone-but-myself kind of skank: the worst kind of skank, in other words. I just... I've become so tired, lately: emotionally drained because I've been trying so hard to get her to like me... to treat me like her big sister. To love me like her big sister. It's not going to happen, I realize. My mom wonders why I've chosen my best friend to be my maid of honor if I ever get married. It's because I can't put that title on someone who treats me like the scum of the earth. Same goes for Laura, only she's not as bad anymore. I'm sick of the sibling factor of my life. Adam's an ass a lot of the time, and so are Megan and Laura. I guess the only one of my siblings that I still love unconditionally is my brother Jeremy. He's my saving grace in this hell of a family I'm in.
It's scary how I've been thinking of jumping off one of the horses just to get a bit of attention. I mean... nothing is going to be bad enough to make me do that, but still. When you even think something like that, you realize your desperation for affection has existed so long, you're insatiable. You need more than that. You need to constantly be in a caring environment. So, that's what I am going to do. The second I get home from this vacation, I'm packing my stuff and moving it to my father's. End of story. I don't need much, just food, water, and a shower. I'm not that much of a bother. And I've been living with him for a month now anyway. I just know that it's too far gone with my first home. I just... need a change. A permanent one. I'm moving on from O-Town. It's time from M-Town to take over.
05/18/08
Amanda
This has always been a tenuous trip for my family. I mean, it never goes well. When the mother's boyfriend comes, he's an idiot and treats us with nothing but the utmost disrespect. I wanna kick him by the time we leave. He doesn't even really like horses, and yet he wants to come to a dude ranch? What the hell, mate? Grow something resembling a brain and use it. But when he doesn't come, it isn't any better. My sister is a bitch 99% of the time, and aims that at me a majority of the time. She doesn't even bother being discreet. She just bluntly hates me out loud. I'm sick of it entirely, because her hatred is contagious, and now my stupid mother is treating me the same way. I just want to sleep. I just want to sleep this trip away and let them do what they will. I'll eat next week or something. I just don't give a damn anymore. I've become so tired of being their bitch. I am not an emotionless idiot. I have feelings, and they hurt them more than they'll ever know because they're idiots who don't respect others.
I've come to realize that my sister is not the good girl she comes off as anymore. She's a skank. Not like the sleep-around-get-drunk-and-high-knocked-up-at-nineteen kind of skank. Just an I-don't-love-anyone-but-myself kind of skank: the worst kind of skank, in other words. I just... I've become so tired, lately: emotionally drained because I've been trying so hard to get her to like me... to treat me like her big sister. To love me like her big sister. It's not going to happen, I realize. My mom wonders why I've chosen my best friend to be my maid of honor if I ever get married. It's because I can't put that title on someone who treats me like the scum of the earth. Same goes for Laura, only she's not as bad anymore. I'm sick of the sibling factor of my life. Adam's an ass a lot of the time, and so are Megan and Laura. I guess the only one of my siblings that I still love unconditionally is my brother Jeremy. He's my saving grace in this hell of a family I'm in.
It's scary how I've been thinking of jumping off one of the horses just to get a bit of attention. I mean... nothing is going to be bad enough to make me do that, but still. When you even think something like that, you realize your desperation for affection has existed so long, you're insatiable. You need more than that. You need to constantly be in a caring environment. So, that's what I am going to do. The second I get home from this vacation, I'm packing my stuff and moving it to my father's. End of story. I don't need much, just food, water, and a shower. I'm not that much of a bother. And I've been living with him for a month now anyway. I just know that it's too far gone with my first home. I just... need a change. A permanent one. I'm moving on from O-Town. It's time from M-Town to take over.
05/18/08
Amanda
Thursday, May 15, 2008
Everyone Sucks But Me
My day probably couldn't get any worse if I tried. I have to move out of my dorm, but everytime I try to pack, I get a text message from my mom that makes me want to take my phone and chuck it out the window. I swear, she is using me, I just have yet to prove it. Whether she likes it or not, I'm not her puppet, and she can't control me forever. I went to talk to the dean, just like she wanted, and was just told that I should take some time off. That's not the first time I've heard that, either. My acting professor said the exact same thing to me. I wish I could stand up to my mother, but she overreacts so badly sometimes, I just wanna kick her in the teeth. We can't have a serious conversation without getting into a fight. Not to mention if her jerk boyfriend comes in on the middle of the conversation, he'll add his two cents and voila, instant three way fight. It's hell in my house sometimes, and I'm sick of subjecting my little sister to it. She deserves better than that, that's for damn sure.
I must say, it's a miracle that I won't be living at home most of summer vacation. It's going to be sweet working in New Hampshire. The only people that I've ever truly loved and trusted are all up there, and it'll be so nice to be able to talk to them all the time, and have fun. We may be worshipping God the entire time, but whoever said that was a bad thing is completely out of their mind. I don't know where I'd be if I hadn't found God last summer. I wouldn't be in a good place right now, with nowhere to turn but to the Big Man Upstairs.
Ugh... my mom just crossed the line today. Not in the context most people would think, but she didn't do a good thing. When I was texting back and forth with her, I made a joke that sparked her to whine about the fact that she's giving up on me. It's like, I don't need her reinforcing the fact that she doesn't trust me anymore. But she really isn't giving me any reason to go with her to New York tomorrow, that's for sure. I can think of fifty different ways I'd rather spend my birthday than four hours in the car listening to my sister talk with her friends while I'm stuck in the front seat with my mom, miserable because no one wants to talk to me, but feels obligated to just because I'm Megan's sister. No, I thought Linds was my friend for a while, but lately I feel like she doesn't talk to me because she wants to, but simply because I'm her friend's sister. I mean, where do I turn for an ego boost nowadays, ya know? I'm depressed, and I just don't want to be in this state where hell on earth is where I should feel the safest and most protected.
I don't know, I guess all this talk about why I've been miserable my entire life is catching up to me. I miss Sarah, God knows that, but nothing is going to bring her back. The fact that I still cry every March 12 just shows how, pathetically enough, I still live in the past. This year was worse because of the two boys dying in that car accident, but it's still no excuse. I use Sarah as the basis for any argument when I screw up something good in my life, and people are beginning to see through that and poke holes in it to no end. Even my father seems disappointed in me lately, and that never happens. I feel like there's nowhere to go in my life except to a being that I can't even see, let alone have a conversation with without being classified as insane by my peers. Who knew praying could get you into so much trouble?
I don't know, maybe I should be grateful that I have my online friends. The ones that don't know me and don't judge me, and encourage me to do what I always found impossible: to believe in myself. When I find a niche, I usually can't stick with it because I'm being told it's stupid and childish and isn't going to get me anywhere. When I started writing fan fiction, I started getting the opposite of what I was used to. Not from my family, no. They still think I'm crazy like a fox. But I have Kathy, Jodie, and all the other people from the FCG that make me feel wanted and talented. I love them all, and they show me the love and support that I've desperately needed for so long.
05/15/08
Amanda
I must say, it's a miracle that I won't be living at home most of summer vacation. It's going to be sweet working in New Hampshire. The only people that I've ever truly loved and trusted are all up there, and it'll be so nice to be able to talk to them all the time, and have fun. We may be worshipping God the entire time, but whoever said that was a bad thing is completely out of their mind. I don't know where I'd be if I hadn't found God last summer. I wouldn't be in a good place right now, with nowhere to turn but to the Big Man Upstairs.
Ugh... my mom just crossed the line today. Not in the context most people would think, but she didn't do a good thing. When I was texting back and forth with her, I made a joke that sparked her to whine about the fact that she's giving up on me. It's like, I don't need her reinforcing the fact that she doesn't trust me anymore. But she really isn't giving me any reason to go with her to New York tomorrow, that's for sure. I can think of fifty different ways I'd rather spend my birthday than four hours in the car listening to my sister talk with her friends while I'm stuck in the front seat with my mom, miserable because no one wants to talk to me, but feels obligated to just because I'm Megan's sister. No, I thought Linds was my friend for a while, but lately I feel like she doesn't talk to me because she wants to, but simply because I'm her friend's sister. I mean, where do I turn for an ego boost nowadays, ya know? I'm depressed, and I just don't want to be in this state where hell on earth is where I should feel the safest and most protected.
I don't know, I guess all this talk about why I've been miserable my entire life is catching up to me. I miss Sarah, God knows that, but nothing is going to bring her back. The fact that I still cry every March 12 just shows how, pathetically enough, I still live in the past. This year was worse because of the two boys dying in that car accident, but it's still no excuse. I use Sarah as the basis for any argument when I screw up something good in my life, and people are beginning to see through that and poke holes in it to no end. Even my father seems disappointed in me lately, and that never happens. I feel like there's nowhere to go in my life except to a being that I can't even see, let alone have a conversation with without being classified as insane by my peers. Who knew praying could get you into so much trouble?
I don't know, maybe I should be grateful that I have my online friends. The ones that don't know me and don't judge me, and encourage me to do what I always found impossible: to believe in myself. When I find a niche, I usually can't stick with it because I'm being told it's stupid and childish and isn't going to get me anywhere. When I started writing fan fiction, I started getting the opposite of what I was used to. Not from my family, no. They still think I'm crazy like a fox. But I have Kathy, Jodie, and all the other people from the FCG that make me feel wanted and talented. I love them all, and they show me the love and support that I've desperately needed for so long.
05/15/08
Amanda
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
So You Had A Bad Day
Okay, this was officially the best day of my life (haha, fooled ya with the title, didn't I). I went shopping with Jordi for her dress, and we found it. Oh boy, did we find it. She looked incredible in the dress she chose. In the store, we weren't expecting to find the one she wanted, but her sister went around the store, and lo and behold, there's the dress, hidden in the wrong section. It was the only dress like that, and when she tried it on, it was too big, but just small enough to be brought in to fit her 4'10" frame. She's going to look incredible, and just the sight of her brought her sister to tears (and almost her mom). I think the most amazing thing about the whole day wasn't just that we found HER dress, but we found the Maid of Honor's dress and the bridesmaids' dresses. The best part: I didn't have to pay a dime. I was willing to, and was going to, but then Jordi's dad said I didn't have to pay them back. I'm probably still going to, just because 115 bucks is a lot to spend on a dress. I have a job, so that's a possibility.
The weirdest part of today was how comfortable I felt around Jordi and her family. I'd been talking to her sister, Jen, online for awhile, but never actually expected to meet her... even after her sister asked me to be a bridesmaid. I actually wasn't expecting to meet her until the wedding, one year from next month. The funniest part was when we started talking about Danny Phantom. I was begging her for spoilers about her series of DP fics, and was so excited when she actually started spilling. It was incredible, because she just satisfied my inability to have the least bit of patience when it comes to reading a series of fics if nineteen of them aren't even close to being written yet.
That brings me to my newest story, Pride & Punishment. Hot damn, it's a frickin' miracle that story is on fanfiction.net. I was writing it all of last week and part of this week, intent on finishing it for my friend Jodie before I sploded! Well, long story short, I got up two hours early just to finish the effing thing on Monday, and expected it to be hated for being out-of-character, rushed, stupid... anything you can think of. Turns out it was the best thing I've written... ever. It figures CSI: Miami is where I find my writing prowess.
I think I might be losing my mind as I type this. My friend is here with me, talking about what I was doing with Jordi today, and... I don't know, he's got me thinking about a lot of stuff that I can't post here, simply because it's just that personal. I mean... my past is my past, but this is my present. I can't simply let that get out there, especially when it can change. I mean, what I think now isn't necessarily how it's going to be in two weeks, two days... even two hours from now. Everything's changing around me, and I don't like it. It won't stop, and I'm trying to keep up, but it's not helping. My friends are changing, drifting away, making dumb mistakes that they could've avoided if they'd used their brains... it just sucks. My mom, though she's bringing me to New York, may only want me there because I have a laptop and she wants to buy tickets to the American Idol Concert Tour, which just happen to go on sale the weekend we're in New York. Go figure, huh?
I don't know, I'm just sick of being used and torn up. I feel like everything is too much for me at this point, and I don't know if I even want to go anywhere this weekend. I feel like just crawling into my bed at my dad's house and sleeping the month before I go to camp away. I want to spend my birthday partying, not sitting in a cramped car just to get to a place that smells like horse excriment and cigarette smoke. It's just disgusting. I love horses, don't get me wrong. I just don't think it's worth knowing that I'm being used by the woman who raised me. She subjects me to the weasling bull that her jerk boyfriend spews all the time, and I'm sick of it. Until that jerk is gone, I don't know if I want to be around her.
The revelations I have here never cease to amaze me. I never thought that I'd give up a chance to see David Cook in concert just because I'm ticked at my mother. I don't know if it's worth it, though, spending my days with a self righteous jackass who doesn't know how to say what's on his mind just because my mom needs his money. It has no legitimate point, in my opinion. Do you think that the Playboy Bunnies would stick it out with Hugh Hefner if he deprecated them and treated them like the scum of the earth? No. He treats them with respect, despite what they do, because he believes it's art. It's his job to take care of these women like they're his daughters. He loves them. But my mother's boyfriend doesn't love her, makes her feel like she's dirt, and all she gets is an unknown monetary sum? It's just not right.
Okay, on a positive note, there is a really hot guy who calls Bingo... I hope they play Bingo tomorrow! :-P
05/14/08
Amanda
The weirdest part of today was how comfortable I felt around Jordi and her family. I'd been talking to her sister, Jen, online for awhile, but never actually expected to meet her... even after her sister asked me to be a bridesmaid. I actually wasn't expecting to meet her until the wedding, one year from next month. The funniest part was when we started talking about Danny Phantom. I was begging her for spoilers about her series of DP fics, and was so excited when she actually started spilling. It was incredible, because she just satisfied my inability to have the least bit of patience when it comes to reading a series of fics if nineteen of them aren't even close to being written yet.
That brings me to my newest story, Pride & Punishment. Hot damn, it's a frickin' miracle that story is on fanfiction.net. I was writing it all of last week and part of this week, intent on finishing it for my friend Jodie before I sploded! Well, long story short, I got up two hours early just to finish the effing thing on Monday, and expected it to be hated for being out-of-character, rushed, stupid... anything you can think of. Turns out it was the best thing I've written... ever. It figures CSI: Miami is where I find my writing prowess.
I think I might be losing my mind as I type this. My friend is here with me, talking about what I was doing with Jordi today, and... I don't know, he's got me thinking about a lot of stuff that I can't post here, simply because it's just that personal. I mean... my past is my past, but this is my present. I can't simply let that get out there, especially when it can change. I mean, what I think now isn't necessarily how it's going to be in two weeks, two days... even two hours from now. Everything's changing around me, and I don't like it. It won't stop, and I'm trying to keep up, but it's not helping. My friends are changing, drifting away, making dumb mistakes that they could've avoided if they'd used their brains... it just sucks. My mom, though she's bringing me to New York, may only want me there because I have a laptop and she wants to buy tickets to the American Idol Concert Tour, which just happen to go on sale the weekend we're in New York. Go figure, huh?
I don't know, I'm just sick of being used and torn up. I feel like everything is too much for me at this point, and I don't know if I even want to go anywhere this weekend. I feel like just crawling into my bed at my dad's house and sleeping the month before I go to camp away. I want to spend my birthday partying, not sitting in a cramped car just to get to a place that smells like horse excriment and cigarette smoke. It's just disgusting. I love horses, don't get me wrong. I just don't think it's worth knowing that I'm being used by the woman who raised me. She subjects me to the weasling bull that her jerk boyfriend spews all the time, and I'm sick of it. Until that jerk is gone, I don't know if I want to be around her.
The revelations I have here never cease to amaze me. I never thought that I'd give up a chance to see David Cook in concert just because I'm ticked at my mother. I don't know if it's worth it, though, spending my days with a self righteous jackass who doesn't know how to say what's on his mind just because my mom needs his money. It has no legitimate point, in my opinion. Do you think that the Playboy Bunnies would stick it out with Hugh Hefner if he deprecated them and treated them like the scum of the earth? No. He treats them with respect, despite what they do, because he believes it's art. It's his job to take care of these women like they're his daughters. He loves them. But my mother's boyfriend doesn't love her, makes her feel like she's dirt, and all she gets is an unknown monetary sum? It's just not right.
Okay, on a positive note, there is a really hot guy who calls Bingo... I hope they play Bingo tomorrow! :-P
05/14/08
Amanda
Sunday, May 11, 2008
Musings
Okay, I realize that this is my second post in one day, but so what? I was thinking about what kept me alive these past few months when I know I've been at one of my absolute lowest points. I've lost more than I've gained, and I can't help but dwell on that far more than is needed. I guess that's my true downfall. I live too far in the past, that I can't help but think about the days that have caused me the most pain. When I was four, my sister, Sarah, and her best friend were killed in a fire, and I haven't really been the same. When I watch home movies from my birthday following that incident, I seem so happy and care free. My (now) eldest sister, Laura, who has a birthday the day after mine, was so glum and depressed, I felt guilty for being happy that day. But I was five years old at the time... I couldn't help it. But it didn't take long for the magnitude of what had happened to finally hit me, and I was done for. Diagnosed with PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) at six years old, I was, for the rest of my years up to this point, classified as a freak. I was never one to make friends easily, and only had one good friend for the first few years of elementary school. But I never lost her, and I don't plan on it. I don't know what my life would be like without Melanie. A lot of my firsts happened with her (not those kinds of firsts, you sick perverts!). I went on my first roller coaster with her, and God knows she won't remember this part, but we were singing the theme song to Laverne & Shirley while we were waiting in line. It's probably one of my fondest memories, even though she doesn't remember herself, I'm sure.
I guess that's what I had that kept me here for eighteen (almost nineteen) years. My friends. Yes, I have family, that's for sure. But sometimes I feel distant and closed off from them, and we don't always get along. Sometimes it's best to separate myself from that part of my life, just to keep myself from completely losing it. I love them all. It's not out of familial obligation, but out of the deepest part of my heart that's reserved for those who share my blood. My younger sister, Megan, who is my only full blooded sibling (the rest had a different father), may quite possibly be the biggest pain in the butt that I'll ever know, but at seventeen, where's the surprise in that? I guess it's because she's so much more mature than I am in so many ways, I'm actually a bit jealous of her. Then there are my two elder brothers, Jeremy and Adam. Adam is probably the biggest jerk in my family. He used to lock me in a dog cage, for Christ's sake! But that was when I was little, and my name was Rat One (Megan was Rat 2). The older ones always used to pick on us. Jeremy lived with his father, so he was an exception to the jackass brother rule. I mean, he had his moments, that's for damn sure. Ugh, there was this one time, when I was younger, where he scared the living crap out of me, and he doesn't even remember it! When I was about seven, I think (can't really say for sure, I've repressed most of this memory), I was terrified of the movie The Blob, and was always freaked out, thinking that it was gonna come and eat me or whatever it did to people. Thinking it would be funny, Jeremy decided to put laundry detergent in the dishwasher, which caused it to overflow or whatever. Well, me being terrified of anything that oozed, saw this and screamed bloody murder. I ran outside to where my mom was, because she was about to leave, screaming, "THE BLOB IS GOING TO EAT ME, MOMMY!" She came inside and after that, I really don't remember. Basically, I wanna kick Jeremy every time I think of that, but I don't. He doesn't even remember doing it, so who the heck knows, eh?
Now, 7+ years since the torture ended, and my family is growing in so many ways. Jeremy, my eldest sibling at thirty one, is now a happily married father to be. His wife, Brooke, is probably the most wonderful addition that my family could hope for. My family might think this the most ridiculous thing ever, but I doubt they'll ever get around to reading this. Brooke, is so much more than just my sister-in-law. For so many years, I've felt that absence that Sarah's death caused. It was an empty place in my heart that was aching, and I cried every time the anniversary of her death rolled around. When Jeremy proposed to Brooke, it didn't faze me right away that she was going to be my sister. But then the day of the wedding came (which was exactly a month after the anniversary of Sarah's death), and up until then, anything that could've gone wrong did go wrong. I, in a not so devoutly religious family, was watching my religious brother marry into a seemingly devout family. We're Protestant, but trust me, what happened proved to me that my brother was the high and mighty God fearing boy that he seemed to be. A few months ago... I'm pretty sure it was February, we found out that Brooke was pregnant. Now, in most families (including mine) that's okay, and that's how it was with Brooke's as well. It just seemed so out of character for Jeremy to have sex outside of marriage.
Wow, I'm going off topic, that was so not where I wanted to go with this. Rihanna (Shut Up And Drive, in particular) tends to do that to me. Anyway, Brooke doesn't know, nor will I ever tell her, that she is so much more than my sister-in-law. For so long I wanted my sister back, and now I feel like I don't need to wish for that anymore. Brooke is taking a place in my heart that has been vacant for so long. Granted, no number of siblings-in-law will completely fill that void, but it's comforting to have another sister to confide in.
But, like I said, my family is a complicated thing. Especially when it comes to my father. For so many years I was lucky if I saw him once or twice every two months. He was always sick because of all the drugs that he did when he was younger (and while he was married to my mother). I'm lucky that I still have him in my life after three heart attacks and a double-bypass. It was hard finding out about the relationship between him and my mother (the details of which I'm not going into for my own sake), and how lucky I am that my mother even allowed him visitation rights, supervised or not. Frankly, my father is the luckiest S.O.B. you will ever hear about, being alive right now. And not to mention his wonderful wife (my stepmother). She's incredible, and abolished all fears I had of stepparents in general (but don't get me started on my mom's boyfriend... I don't wanna talk about him, lest my anger builds to a boiling rage). If it weren't for my father, I honestly don't know what kind of life I would have right now.
My life has been chaotic, to say the least. You'd be surprised, after having my father, that I've never done a single drug, only smoked two cigarettes (because I was bored and killing time... EW! I DO NOT RECOMMEND IT EVER! IT HURTS!), and taken a sip of wine because Laura coerced me. I'm a pretty straight and narrow girl, still a virgin after almost nineteen years of existence. I'm happy with who I am, but find that I may be a bit socially inept, as my friend(?) John pointed out. But... I don't care. Too many sucky men have come into my life to give me any hope of a stable relationship, so I'm going to let the good one find me. But I'm so grateful that I have friends to get me through.
I think my best friend, if I had to choose, would be Melanie. She's been there since first grade, and I think our most serious fight was over what color Mint Chocolate Chip ice cream should be (it was second grade... and she was right... it was white or green, or whatever). We've been there for each other for as long as I can remember, and it's love that kept us together. We care about each other, I know that, and wish the best for each other in all situations. She's lucky to have Joe, her current boyfriend, because he's an amazingly caring person, and I couldn't wish for anything better for her. I know she wishes the best for me, but I think both our expectations are too high. But I always know I can talk about anything with her without the fear of being judged.
I have so many other friends, though, that come and go but are always there when I need to chat. Heather, as rough as times may get between us, understands better than anyone why I get the way I do sometimes. She can read me like a book, something I thought no one would be able to do. She's an amazing person, and a lot of the trash she's gotten hit with over the years she didn't deserve in the least. I try my best to be there for her as she's been there for me, but I don't think I could ever be as good a friend as she's been. Marina is the sweetest girl I've known, so fun to hang out with and always good for a laugh. I love hanging out with her when I'm in a bad mood, because she can always put that goofy-as-all-hell smile on my face that no one else can get close to. Dara has always been the best person to go to when I need a musical jump start. She's so perfect when it comes to having fun, because she knows the perfect thing to do depending on the mood of everyone around her. No one seems to argue with her, and I don't think we've ever fought about a single thing, which is incredible. I know I can't possibly get everyone right now, and I'll mention them if I remember in a new blog post.
I think, if it weren't for the friends I made since I started college, I'd quite possibly have died of stress. Ashley L... What can I say about her that isn't saying she's insane... nothing, I'm sure. She's so much fun to hang out with, and the fact that she shares my unhealthy obsession with CSI: Crime Scene Investigation and Jorja Fox is just a bonus. Her roommate, Kayla, and her were the two people I retreated to when things got out of hand with my old roommate. My new roommate, Jen, is the person I hung out with most during this semester. Despite all the hell she went through with her... boyfriend, I guess... was enough to make me want to drive my head through a wall, but I love her all the same. My geektastic friend, Stephanie, is probably the best friend I've made since starting. She's so funny, and as much as she gets on my nerves, I love her too much to stay angry at her. She takes it upon herself to pull me out of my dorm when I'm feeling invisible and has introduced me to the craziest bunch of nut bars that I've come across in a while. Brian (who I'll refer to as House more often) is probably the most awesome one I've met so far. He's so fun, and he loves to continuously kick my arse at Super Smash Bros on a bad day, and slaughter me on a good one. He's so much fun to hang out with, despite the sarcastic way he approaches most situations, and the dark mood he takes on a lot of the time. I think, if I were to ever watch House, M.D. with anyone, it'd be him. Oh, man. My newest pal is Cassie. Oh man! I never thought I'd meet anyone meaner than me! She's so much fun to hang out with. It's hard to find someone to discuss Pride & Prejudice with, or swoon over Fitzwilliam Darcy with! I love her brutal honesty, and her willingness to tell me when I'm doing something wrong. And not to mention her awesome ability to send me LOLCats, like she knows I'm in a bad mood when she does it. Oh, and Kay... Kay is just awesome. If it weren't for him, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be writing a CSI: Miami fic. And John... the S.O.B. quite possibly may have crashed my computer, but nothing could make me hate him. Of course, I can't hate anyone... so, yeah. And then there is Shannon, my R.A. She is so much more than that to me. She has been so supportive of me when I get to the worst state of mind in school, and she's more of a friend to me than an R.A. She keeps me focused on what is important to me, whether or not she realizes that. She's so sweet, funny, and kind, and kept me in the zone. If I hadn't met her, I don't think I'd have been as outgoing as I was. I thank her so much for that.
Alright, that may not be all the college buddies, but my online friends are probably the most significant. Jordi is so... eccentric I guess is the word I'd use to describe her. Or I could use insane, hilarious, obsessive, talented, or any other word along those lines. I think (and I swear, I'm straight) that I would date her. Too bad she's getting married O_o. Yes, everyone, one of my lesbian friends is marrying a man. It's a bit more complicated than that, but I'm not gonna get into it. I'm a bridesmaid, so I don't wanna lose that position. She's open with me, and very opinionated, but I love how, if you get her ranting, you can't get her to stop until she's done. It's so much fun. Especially when you get her ranting about gay rights. It's SO funny. I love it, because she's right. Everything she says is so true, and I just want to throw it all in George W. Bush's face, but can't. His head would probably explode. I know I always get her angry, whether I push music she doesn't like on her or say Michael Crawford sucks (which he doesn't, now that I think about it), but no matter how much I piss her aw-fah-fah, I know she still loves me as much as I love and adore her. I have an entire portion of my profile dedicated to her on my Facebook profile, because some of the stuff that we get into is so freakin' funny I just have to share it with the rest of the world... or at least the 400+ friends I have on FB. I mean... come on... the fact that she was able to take a reference to Gerard Butler as the Phantom, plus him as King Leonidus in 300, and turn it into, "I.... AM.... ERIK!!!!!!!", is just proof that she's a freakin' genius. If I ever need a good laugh, she's the chica I call on. Kathy... oh, what to say about dear, dear Kathy. She's so wonderful. I love talking to her about CSI because she loves everyone I love (except Sara, she just likes her, but I've gotten over that). She started reviewing my stories, and is always honest. She doesn't lavish me with kindness, she helps me to improve. I think, if it weren't for her... in fact, I know if it weren't for her, four of my stories would never have happened or would be happening. I wrote two of them for her, after all, and one for her Fiction Critique Group (FCG) Challenge Week (and now I'm writing one of them for her friend and mine, Jodie). We have such amazing conversations, and she's always willing to listen to me, and bow to my every stupid, silly whim. Jodie is so much fun to talk to. Our mutual obsession with Eric and Calleigh getting together on CSI: Miami is what drew us together, besides the FCG. We talk whenever she's online, and I'm working on a story for her. She's open with me about a lot of things, and that surprised me, considering we just met online and we don't talk all that much (I blame her for that. She needs to sign on more!).
I don't know... I guess all I'm saying with this over drawn post is that my family is insane, and the only thing that keeps me from losing my mind completely are the multiple circles of friends that I have. I think the most important people in my life, besides my family, are my friends that I met at a camp retreat. Patrick convinced to apply for a job that I recently got, and now I will be working with him this summer for two and half months. I'm so excited, and he is such a caring friend, and I don't know what I would've done without him last summer. I realized that last summer that a lot of people care about me there and love me for the crazy, freaky person that I can be. I can't wait to work for or with them (especially Patrick, Hannah, and Albie). I'm not sure if Annette is coming back, but I know she cares about me. We talked about a lot of things that were going on, and she always showed that she cared not just about me, but about everyone, just as all the others I mentioned do as well. In so many way, they are a second family for me. If I never saw any of them again, I might die of depression. I think my bestest bestest friend there is Jordan. He's always there to talk to, and he's so completely understanding and such a jokester. He's got the ability to make me laugh no matter how dark my mood gets, and that in itself is a miracle. I love him beyond belief, and he has to be one of my best friends. I'd probably die if I was never able to talk to him again. But, sometimes he can be a total jackass. I want to kick him in the shin a lot... but he always makes up for it.
If I don't stop this post now, I'm going to go on forever, and I'm so exhausted. Basically, my family has driven me so absolutely crazy in the past, but I've had friends that have not only given me the support I need, but given me the insight on my family that I so desperately needed. I appreciate what I have so much more because my friends have shown me what can happen with the loss of a family member or never having a family. I thought my family was dysfunctional, but, boy oh boy, did my friends prove me wrong. I realize that I'm lucky with the family I have and the close relationships that I have with everyone in my family. A lot of my friends don't have that, and I'm only now realizing that I need to appreciate what I have and not take it for granted, because it can all be taken away so easily.
It sucks, really, that life can end in the blink of an eye. I mean, as I sit here, someone could have spiked the water I'm drinking, and I could keel over and die any minute now. I could have an aneurysm burst in my brain, or a tumor somewhere in my body that no one caught in any of my x-rays. It's scary, and I hate to think that something so easily given to us could be just as simply taken away, and there's nothing we can do to change that. I guess that was the point of the Final Destination movies. You can't expect your life to last forever, and you have to do as much with the time you have now, because you never know when it's going to end. I'm glad I have my friends, because they really put all of that into perspective for me. I love them more and more every day, whether or not they get me angry, because I've learned so much from them, I can't do anything but appreciate them. (And, ya know, I'm not better and being a charmer than them. I piss them off too!)
05/12/08
Amanda
I guess that's what I had that kept me here for eighteen (almost nineteen) years. My friends. Yes, I have family, that's for sure. But sometimes I feel distant and closed off from them, and we don't always get along. Sometimes it's best to separate myself from that part of my life, just to keep myself from completely losing it. I love them all. It's not out of familial obligation, but out of the deepest part of my heart that's reserved for those who share my blood. My younger sister, Megan, who is my only full blooded sibling (the rest had a different father), may quite possibly be the biggest pain in the butt that I'll ever know, but at seventeen, where's the surprise in that? I guess it's because she's so much more mature than I am in so many ways, I'm actually a bit jealous of her. Then there are my two elder brothers, Jeremy and Adam. Adam is probably the biggest jerk in my family. He used to lock me in a dog cage, for Christ's sake! But that was when I was little, and my name was Rat One (Megan was Rat 2). The older ones always used to pick on us. Jeremy lived with his father, so he was an exception to the jackass brother rule. I mean, he had his moments, that's for damn sure. Ugh, there was this one time, when I was younger, where he scared the living crap out of me, and he doesn't even remember it! When I was about seven, I think (can't really say for sure, I've repressed most of this memory), I was terrified of the movie The Blob, and was always freaked out, thinking that it was gonna come and eat me or whatever it did to people. Thinking it would be funny, Jeremy decided to put laundry detergent in the dishwasher, which caused it to overflow or whatever. Well, me being terrified of anything that oozed, saw this and screamed bloody murder. I ran outside to where my mom was, because she was about to leave, screaming, "THE BLOB IS GOING TO EAT ME, MOMMY!" She came inside and after that, I really don't remember. Basically, I wanna kick Jeremy every time I think of that, but I don't. He doesn't even remember doing it, so who the heck knows, eh?
Now, 7+ years since the torture ended, and my family is growing in so many ways. Jeremy, my eldest sibling at thirty one, is now a happily married father to be. His wife, Brooke, is probably the most wonderful addition that my family could hope for. My family might think this the most ridiculous thing ever, but I doubt they'll ever get around to reading this. Brooke, is so much more than just my sister-in-law. For so many years, I've felt that absence that Sarah's death caused. It was an empty place in my heart that was aching, and I cried every time the anniversary of her death rolled around. When Jeremy proposed to Brooke, it didn't faze me right away that she was going to be my sister. But then the day of the wedding came (which was exactly a month after the anniversary of Sarah's death), and up until then, anything that could've gone wrong did go wrong. I, in a not so devoutly religious family, was watching my religious brother marry into a seemingly devout family. We're Protestant, but trust me, what happened proved to me that my brother was the high and mighty God fearing boy that he seemed to be. A few months ago... I'm pretty sure it was February, we found out that Brooke was pregnant. Now, in most families (including mine) that's okay, and that's how it was with Brooke's as well. It just seemed so out of character for Jeremy to have sex outside of marriage.
Wow, I'm going off topic, that was so not where I wanted to go with this. Rihanna (Shut Up And Drive, in particular) tends to do that to me. Anyway, Brooke doesn't know, nor will I ever tell her, that she is so much more than my sister-in-law. For so long I wanted my sister back, and now I feel like I don't need to wish for that anymore. Brooke is taking a place in my heart that has been vacant for so long. Granted, no number of siblings-in-law will completely fill that void, but it's comforting to have another sister to confide in.
But, like I said, my family is a complicated thing. Especially when it comes to my father. For so many years I was lucky if I saw him once or twice every two months. He was always sick because of all the drugs that he did when he was younger (and while he was married to my mother). I'm lucky that I still have him in my life after three heart attacks and a double-bypass. It was hard finding out about the relationship between him and my mother (the details of which I'm not going into for my own sake), and how lucky I am that my mother even allowed him visitation rights, supervised or not. Frankly, my father is the luckiest S.O.B. you will ever hear about, being alive right now. And not to mention his wonderful wife (my stepmother). She's incredible, and abolished all fears I had of stepparents in general (but don't get me started on my mom's boyfriend... I don't wanna talk about him, lest my anger builds to a boiling rage). If it weren't for my father, I honestly don't know what kind of life I would have right now.
My life has been chaotic, to say the least. You'd be surprised, after having my father, that I've never done a single drug, only smoked two cigarettes (because I was bored and killing time... EW! I DO NOT RECOMMEND IT EVER! IT HURTS!), and taken a sip of wine because Laura coerced me. I'm a pretty straight and narrow girl, still a virgin after almost nineteen years of existence. I'm happy with who I am, but find that I may be a bit socially inept, as my friend(?) John pointed out. But... I don't care. Too many sucky men have come into my life to give me any hope of a stable relationship, so I'm going to let the good one find me. But I'm so grateful that I have friends to get me through.
I think my best friend, if I had to choose, would be Melanie. She's been there since first grade, and I think our most serious fight was over what color Mint Chocolate Chip ice cream should be (it was second grade... and she was right... it was white or green, or whatever). We've been there for each other for as long as I can remember, and it's love that kept us together. We care about each other, I know that, and wish the best for each other in all situations. She's lucky to have Joe, her current boyfriend, because he's an amazingly caring person, and I couldn't wish for anything better for her. I know she wishes the best for me, but I think both our expectations are too high. But I always know I can talk about anything with her without the fear of being judged.
I have so many other friends, though, that come and go but are always there when I need to chat. Heather, as rough as times may get between us, understands better than anyone why I get the way I do sometimes. She can read me like a book, something I thought no one would be able to do. She's an amazing person, and a lot of the trash she's gotten hit with over the years she didn't deserve in the least. I try my best to be there for her as she's been there for me, but I don't think I could ever be as good a friend as she's been. Marina is the sweetest girl I've known, so fun to hang out with and always good for a laugh. I love hanging out with her when I'm in a bad mood, because she can always put that goofy-as-all-hell smile on my face that no one else can get close to. Dara has always been the best person to go to when I need a musical jump start. She's so perfect when it comes to having fun, because she knows the perfect thing to do depending on the mood of everyone around her. No one seems to argue with her, and I don't think we've ever fought about a single thing, which is incredible. I know I can't possibly get everyone right now, and I'll mention them if I remember in a new blog post.
I think, if it weren't for the friends I made since I started college, I'd quite possibly have died of stress. Ashley L... What can I say about her that isn't saying she's insane... nothing, I'm sure. She's so much fun to hang out with, and the fact that she shares my unhealthy obsession with CSI: Crime Scene Investigation and Jorja Fox is just a bonus. Her roommate, Kayla, and her were the two people I retreated to when things got out of hand with my old roommate. My new roommate, Jen, is the person I hung out with most during this semester. Despite all the hell she went through with her... boyfriend, I guess... was enough to make me want to drive my head through a wall, but I love her all the same. My geektastic friend, Stephanie, is probably the best friend I've made since starting. She's so funny, and as much as she gets on my nerves, I love her too much to stay angry at her. She takes it upon herself to pull me out of my dorm when I'm feeling invisible and has introduced me to the craziest bunch of nut bars that I've come across in a while. Brian (who I'll refer to as House more often) is probably the most awesome one I've met so far. He's so fun, and he loves to continuously kick my arse at Super Smash Bros on a bad day, and slaughter me on a good one. He's so much fun to hang out with, despite the sarcastic way he approaches most situations, and the dark mood he takes on a lot of the time. I think, if I were to ever watch House, M.D. with anyone, it'd be him. Oh, man. My newest pal is Cassie. Oh man! I never thought I'd meet anyone meaner than me! She's so much fun to hang out with. It's hard to find someone to discuss Pride & Prejudice with, or swoon over Fitzwilliam Darcy with! I love her brutal honesty, and her willingness to tell me when I'm doing something wrong. And not to mention her awesome ability to send me LOLCats, like she knows I'm in a bad mood when she does it. Oh, and Kay... Kay is just awesome. If it weren't for him, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be writing a CSI: Miami fic. And John... the S.O.B. quite possibly may have crashed my computer, but nothing could make me hate him. Of course, I can't hate anyone... so, yeah. And then there is Shannon, my R.A. She is so much more than that to me. She has been so supportive of me when I get to the worst state of mind in school, and she's more of a friend to me than an R.A. She keeps me focused on what is important to me, whether or not she realizes that. She's so sweet, funny, and kind, and kept me in the zone. If I hadn't met her, I don't think I'd have been as outgoing as I was. I thank her so much for that.
Alright, that may not be all the college buddies, but my online friends are probably the most significant. Jordi is so... eccentric I guess is the word I'd use to describe her. Or I could use insane, hilarious, obsessive, talented, or any other word along those lines. I think (and I swear, I'm straight) that I would date her. Too bad she's getting married O_o. Yes, everyone, one of my lesbian friends is marrying a man. It's a bit more complicated than that, but I'm not gonna get into it. I'm a bridesmaid, so I don't wanna lose that position. She's open with me, and very opinionated, but I love how, if you get her ranting, you can't get her to stop until she's done. It's so much fun. Especially when you get her ranting about gay rights. It's SO funny. I love it, because she's right. Everything she says is so true, and I just want to throw it all in George W. Bush's face, but can't. His head would probably explode. I know I always get her angry, whether I push music she doesn't like on her or say Michael Crawford sucks (which he doesn't, now that I think about it), but no matter how much I piss her aw-fah-fah, I know she still loves me as much as I love and adore her. I have an entire portion of my profile dedicated to her on my Facebook profile, because some of the stuff that we get into is so freakin' funny I just have to share it with the rest of the world... or at least the 400+ friends I have on FB. I mean... come on... the fact that she was able to take a reference to Gerard Butler as the Phantom, plus him as King Leonidus in 300, and turn it into, "I.... AM.... ERIK!!!!!!!", is just proof that she's a freakin' genius. If I ever need a good laugh, she's the chica I call on. Kathy... oh, what to say about dear, dear Kathy. She's so wonderful. I love talking to her about CSI because she loves everyone I love (except Sara, she just likes her, but I've gotten over that). She started reviewing my stories, and is always honest. She doesn't lavish me with kindness, she helps me to improve. I think, if it weren't for her... in fact, I know if it weren't for her, four of my stories would never have happened or would be happening. I wrote two of them for her, after all, and one for her Fiction Critique Group (FCG) Challenge Week (and now I'm writing one of them for her friend and mine, Jodie). We have such amazing conversations, and she's always willing to listen to me, and bow to my every stupid, silly whim. Jodie is so much fun to talk to. Our mutual obsession with Eric and Calleigh getting together on CSI: Miami is what drew us together, besides the FCG. We talk whenever she's online, and I'm working on a story for her. She's open with me about a lot of things, and that surprised me, considering we just met online and we don't talk all that much (I blame her for that. She needs to sign on more!).
I don't know... I guess all I'm saying with this over drawn post is that my family is insane, and the only thing that keeps me from losing my mind completely are the multiple circles of friends that I have. I think the most important people in my life, besides my family, are my friends that I met at a camp retreat. Patrick convinced to apply for a job that I recently got, and now I will be working with him this summer for two and half months. I'm so excited, and he is such a caring friend, and I don't know what I would've done without him last summer. I realized that last summer that a lot of people care about me there and love me for the crazy, freaky person that I can be. I can't wait to work for or with them (especially Patrick, Hannah, and Albie). I'm not sure if Annette is coming back, but I know she cares about me. We talked about a lot of things that were going on, and she always showed that she cared not just about me, but about everyone, just as all the others I mentioned do as well. In so many way, they are a second family for me. If I never saw any of them again, I might die of depression. I think my bestest bestest friend there is Jordan. He's always there to talk to, and he's so completely understanding and such a jokester. He's got the ability to make me laugh no matter how dark my mood gets, and that in itself is a miracle. I love him beyond belief, and he has to be one of my best friends. I'd probably die if I was never able to talk to him again. But, sometimes he can be a total jackass. I want to kick him in the shin a lot... but he always makes up for it.
If I don't stop this post now, I'm going to go on forever, and I'm so exhausted. Basically, my family has driven me so absolutely crazy in the past, but I've had friends that have not only given me the support I need, but given me the insight on my family that I so desperately needed. I appreciate what I have so much more because my friends have shown me what can happen with the loss of a family member or never having a family. I thought my family was dysfunctional, but, boy oh boy, did my friends prove me wrong. I realize that I'm lucky with the family I have and the close relationships that I have with everyone in my family. A lot of my friends don't have that, and I'm only now realizing that I need to appreciate what I have and not take it for granted, because it can all be taken away so easily.
It sucks, really, that life can end in the blink of an eye. I mean, as I sit here, someone could have spiked the water I'm drinking, and I could keel over and die any minute now. I could have an aneurysm burst in my brain, or a tumor somewhere in my body that no one caught in any of my x-rays. It's scary, and I hate to think that something so easily given to us could be just as simply taken away, and there's nothing we can do to change that. I guess that was the point of the Final Destination movies. You can't expect your life to last forever, and you have to do as much with the time you have now, because you never know when it's going to end. I'm glad I have my friends, because they really put all of that into perspective for me. I love them more and more every day, whether or not they get me angry, because I've learned so much from them, I can't do anything but appreciate them. (And, ya know, I'm not better and being a charmer than them. I piss them off too!)
05/12/08
Amanda
Wonderful, Just Wonderful
Well, it looks like I've done it again. Nevermind that it's hard enough to finish the story I started five months ago, but now I'm challenging myself to write fan fiction for shows that I haven't really watched a lot of in months. I just started to get back into them, but it's getting harder to write for characters that I'm not all that familiar with. And the fact that I have to study for my Spanish final hasn't escaped me, I know that I should be right now. But I know that stuff like the back of my hand, and I don't need to study it much to remember it.
I think what I'm worried about most is what's going to happen when this semester ends. Am I still going to be at school? Nevermind that I messed up bad enough to be kicked out, but will I be able to convince the dean to let me stay? I doubt it. I may be smart, but I'm not motivated. He's not going to see a student willing to learn. He's just going to see what he wants to see: a punk girl who doesn't try and probably never will. I'm sick of being given up on, but no one seems to catch on to that except my father. I guess it takes one to know one, huh?
What surprises me most is that I haven't given up on me yet. I seemed to care more about school this past month than I have in the first eight of me being in college. It's crazy, ya know? You get a sucker punch to the gut, and suddenly everything is put into perspective. Your priorities straighten themselves out in front of your very eyes, and it's all so clear, it scares the living hell out of you. You learn the reason for everything, and then all of a sudden you see that 99% of the time, you were the one at fault while you were screwing up. It wasn't the school giving you a courseload that was difficult for even an honors student, and it wasn't because of your roommate from hell, who wasn't as bad as you thought in the long run. You learn, after all is said and done, that the only reason you screwed up, is because you did things that you could have avoided.
If I hadn't chosen writing my stories (which weren't that good to begin with), or sleeping in over my studies, I probably wouldn't be in this position right now. I was stupid, and it's going to cost me big time. I get to work where I want to this summer, sure. But was it really worth possibly never going back to college and working at a Starbucks for the rest of my natural life? I'll get my butt in gear soon, I'm sure. But it's very possible that it's just too late.
o5/11/08
Amanda
I think what I'm worried about most is what's going to happen when this semester ends. Am I still going to be at school? Nevermind that I messed up bad enough to be kicked out, but will I be able to convince the dean to let me stay? I doubt it. I may be smart, but I'm not motivated. He's not going to see a student willing to learn. He's just going to see what he wants to see: a punk girl who doesn't try and probably never will. I'm sick of being given up on, but no one seems to catch on to that except my father. I guess it takes one to know one, huh?
What surprises me most is that I haven't given up on me yet. I seemed to care more about school this past month than I have in the first eight of me being in college. It's crazy, ya know? You get a sucker punch to the gut, and suddenly everything is put into perspective. Your priorities straighten themselves out in front of your very eyes, and it's all so clear, it scares the living hell out of you. You learn the reason for everything, and then all of a sudden you see that 99% of the time, you were the one at fault while you were screwing up. It wasn't the school giving you a courseload that was difficult for even an honors student, and it wasn't because of your roommate from hell, who wasn't as bad as you thought in the long run. You learn, after all is said and done, that the only reason you screwed up, is because you did things that you could have avoided.
If I hadn't chosen writing my stories (which weren't that good to begin with), or sleeping in over my studies, I probably wouldn't be in this position right now. I was stupid, and it's going to cost me big time. I get to work where I want to this summer, sure. But was it really worth possibly never going back to college and working at a Starbucks for the rest of my natural life? I'll get my butt in gear soon, I'm sure. But it's very possible that it's just too late.
o5/11/08
Amanda
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