Okay, so I'm officially back home from the dude ranch, and I'm loving it. Except for the minor back and hip pain, and the excruciating pain in my neck, I'm happy. I didn't really get the full blow of summer until I got home, mainly because upstate New York is still really cold for the middle of May. It wasn't the greatest weekend ever, mainly because I fought a lot the entire time with my family, but we all kept getting along again, if only for a short while before the next fight began. I swear, I love my family, they just get on my bad side a little too much. It's times like these when I really miss my cat, Mitzi. She passed away just last month, and it was a major blow, because I hadn't seen her in two weeks. But it was a good thing I was at my dad's house with the Enigmatic Eight. They became my best friends when I cried.
I don't really know how I fell so behind with my life, though. I look around me and see all my friends with boyfriends or girlfriends, loving and being loved, happy and making others happy. I know I'm jealous, but it's because I don't have any of that. The only person that I'm truly getting along with is my father, and even that's a stretch at this point. We fight just a bit more than usual, but that's for actual, substantial reasons. As I realize that my life is a bit emptier than I had ever thought, I know what I need to do to fix that little problem. I need to talk to more people, but think about what I say. I need to respect those who deserve it (and not just who I think deserve it), and gain the respect of those who matter. I need to crawl out of my little protective shell. I feel like working this summer might help, but it's not going to be enough just being there. I have to put myself out there, make myself approachable. If I hide behind a book or my laptop 99% of the time, I'm going to fail at this desperate attempt to be noticed. I thought by talking to people online would help, but that just makes it worse. Blogging here is just a release, but it isn't the only solution for my emotional turmoil.
If I'm going to change the person I am into someone more desirable, approachable, and lovable... it's going to take a lot of work. It's going to mean giving up a lot of what made me comfortable. I mean, not permanently, but I have to put a lot of things on the back burner. My stories, for instance, will be written when I'm about to go to sleep, or during a break in which everyone else is working. My computer will stay in my bag until I absolutely need it. The FCG may have to go without my existence for a bit. I hate to do that, but it's a possibility that seems all too important. I miss my friends. I miss hanging out with those who wanted to hang out with me. I miss that person that made friends, awkwardly or not. I need her back more than ever. I need to get rid of this self-destructive mess I call my personality and repair the damage I've caused.
Easier said than done, I know. But it will get done, over time.
05/21/08
Amanda
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