Musings

Okay, I realize that this is my second post in one day, but so what? I was thinking about what kept me alive these past few months when I know I've been at one of my absolute lowest points. I've lost more than I've gained, and I can't help but dwell on that far more than is needed. I guess that's my true downfall. I live too far in the past, that I can't help but think about the days that have caused me the most pain. When I was four, my sister, Sarah, and her best friend were killed in a fire, and I haven't really been the same. When I watch home movies from my birthday following that incident, I seem so happy and care free. My (now) eldest sister, Laura, who has a birthday the day after mine, was so glum and depressed, I felt guilty for being happy that day. But I was five years old at the time... I couldn't help it. But it didn't take long for the magnitude of what had happened to finally hit me, and I was done for. Diagnosed with PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) at six years old, I was, for the rest of my years up to this point, classified as a freak. I was never one to make friends easily, and only had one good friend for the first few years of elementary school. But I never lost her, and I don't plan on it. I don't know what my life would be like without Melanie. A lot of my firsts happened with her (not those kinds of firsts, you sick perverts!). I went on my first roller coaster with her, and God knows she won't remember this part, but we were singing the theme song to Laverne & Shirley while we were waiting in line. It's probably one of my fondest memories, even though she doesn't remember herself, I'm sure.

I guess that's what I had that kept me here for eighteen (almost nineteen) years. My friends. Yes, I have family, that's for sure. But sometimes I feel distant and closed off from them, and we don't always get along. Sometimes it's best to separate myself from that part of my life, just to keep myself from completely losing it. I love them all. It's not out of familial obligation, but out of the deepest part of my heart that's reserved for those who share my blood. My younger sister, Megan, who is my only full blooded sibling (the rest had a different father), may quite possibly be the biggest pain in the butt that I'll ever know, but at seventeen, where's the surprise in that? I guess it's because she's so much more mature than I am in so many ways, I'm actually a bit jealous of her. Then there are my two elder brothers, Jeremy and Adam. Adam is probably the biggest jerk in my family. He used to lock me in a dog cage, for Christ's sake! But that was when I was little, and my name was Rat One (Megan was Rat 2). The older ones always used to pick on us. Jeremy lived with his father, so he was an exception to the jackass brother rule. I mean, he had his moments, that's for damn sure. Ugh, there was this one time, when I was younger, where he scared the living crap out of me, and he doesn't even remember it! When I was about seven, I think (can't really say for sure, I've repressed most of this memory), I was terrified of the movie The Blob, and was always freaked out, thinking that it was gonna come and eat me or whatever it did to people. Thinking it would be funny, Jeremy decided to put laundry detergent in the dishwasher, which caused it to overflow or whatever. Well, me being terrified of anything that oozed, saw this and screamed bloody murder. I ran outside to where my mom was, because she was about to leave, screaming, "THE BLOB IS GOING TO EAT ME, MOMMY!" She came inside and after that, I really don't remember. Basically, I wanna kick Jeremy every time I think of that, but I don't. He doesn't even remember doing it, so who the heck knows, eh?

Now, 7+ years since the torture ended, and my family is growing in so many ways. Jeremy, my eldest sibling at thirty one, is now a happily married father to be. His wife, Brooke, is probably the most wonderful addition that my family could hope for. My family might think this the most ridiculous thing ever, but I doubt they'll ever get around to reading this. Brooke, is so much more than just my sister-in-law. For so many years, I've felt that absence that Sarah's death caused. It was an empty place in my heart that was aching, and I cried every time the anniversary of her death rolled around. When Jeremy proposed to Brooke, it didn't faze me right away that she was going to be my sister. But then the day of the wedding came (which was exactly a month after the anniversary of Sarah's death), and up until then, anything that could've gone wrong did go wrong. I, in a not so devoutly religious family, was watching my religious brother marry into a seemingly devout family. We're Protestant, but trust me, what happened proved to me that my brother was the high and mighty God fearing boy that he seemed to be. A few months ago... I'm pretty sure it was February, we found out that Brooke was pregnant. Now, in most families (including mine) that's okay, and that's how it was with Brooke's as well. It just seemed so out of character for Jeremy to have sex outside of marriage.

Wow, I'm going off topic, that was so not where I wanted to go with this. Rihanna (Shut Up And Drive, in particular) tends to do that to me. Anyway, Brooke doesn't know, nor will I ever tell her, that she is so much more than my sister-in-law. For so long I wanted my sister back, and now I feel like I don't need to wish for that anymore. Brooke is taking a place in my heart that has been vacant for so long. Granted, no number of siblings-in-law will completely fill that void, but it's comforting to have another sister to confide in.

But, like I said, my family is a complicated thing. Especially when it comes to my father. For so many years I was lucky if I saw him once or twice every two months. He was always sick because of all the drugs that he did when he was younger (and while he was married to my mother). I'm lucky that I still have him in my life after three heart attacks and a double-bypass. It was hard finding out about the relationship between him and my mother (the details of which I'm not going into for my own sake), and how lucky I am that my mother even allowed him visitation rights, supervised or not. Frankly, my father is the luckiest S.O.B. you will ever hear about, being alive right now. And not to mention his wonderful wife (my stepmother). She's incredible, and abolished all fears I had of stepparents in general (but don't get me started on my mom's boyfriend... I don't wanna talk about him, lest my anger builds to a boiling rage). If it weren't for my father, I honestly don't know what kind of life I would have right now.

My life has been chaotic, to say the least. You'd be surprised, after having my father, that I've never done a single drug, only smoked two cigarettes (because I was bored and killing time... EW! I DO NOT RECOMMEND IT EVER! IT HURTS!), and taken a sip of wine because Laura coerced me. I'm a pretty straight and narrow girl, still a virgin after almost nineteen years of existence. I'm happy with who I am, but find that I may be a bit socially inept, as my friend(?) John pointed out. But... I don't care. Too many sucky men have come into my life to give me any hope of a stable relationship, so I'm going to let the good one find me. But I'm so grateful that I have friends to get me through.

I think my best friend, if I had to choose, would be Melanie. She's been there since first grade, and I think our most serious fight was over what color Mint Chocolate Chip ice cream should be (it was second grade... and she was right... it was white or green, or whatever). We've been there for each other for as long as I can remember, and it's love that kept us together. We care about each other, I know that, and wish the best for each other in all situations. She's lucky to have Joe, her current boyfriend, because he's an amazingly caring person, and I couldn't wish for anything better for her. I know she wishes the best for me, but I think both our expectations are too high. But I always know I can talk about anything with her without the fear of being judged.

I have so many other friends, though, that come and go but are always there when I need to chat. Heather, as rough as times may get between us, understands better than anyone why I get the way I do sometimes. She can read me like a book, something I thought no one would be able to do. She's an amazing person, and a lot of the trash she's gotten hit with over the years she didn't deserve in the least. I try my best to be there for her as she's been there for me, but I don't think I could ever be as good a friend as she's been. Marina is the sweetest girl I've known, so fun to hang out with and always good for a laugh. I love hanging out with her when I'm in a bad mood, because she can always put that goofy-as-all-hell smile on my face that no one else can get close to. Dara has always been the best person to go to when I need a musical jump start. She's so perfect when it comes to having fun, because she knows the perfect thing to do depending on the mood of everyone around her. No one seems to argue with her, and I don't think we've ever fought about a single thing, which is incredible. I know I can't possibly get everyone right now, and I'll mention them if I remember in a new blog post.

I think, if it weren't for the friends I made since I started college, I'd quite possibly have died of stress. Ashley L... What can I say about her that isn't saying she's insane... nothing, I'm sure. She's so much fun to hang out with, and the fact that she shares my unhealthy obsession with CSI: Crime Scene Investigation and Jorja Fox is just a bonus. Her roommate, Kayla, and her were the two people I retreated to when things got out of hand with my old roommate. My new roommate, Jen, is the person I hung out with most during this semester. Despite all the hell she went through with her... boyfriend, I guess... was enough to make me want to drive my head through a wall, but I love her all the same. My geektastic friend, Stephanie, is probably the best friend I've made since starting. She's so funny, and as much as she gets on my nerves, I love her too much to stay angry at her. She takes it upon herself to pull me out of my dorm when I'm feeling invisible and has introduced me to the craziest bunch of nut bars that I've come across in a while. Brian (who I'll refer to as House more often) is probably the most awesome one I've met so far. He's so fun, and he loves to continuously kick my arse at Super Smash Bros on a bad day, and slaughter me on a good one. He's so much fun to hang out with, despite the sarcastic way he approaches most situations, and the dark mood he takes on a lot of the time. I think, if I were to ever watch House, M.D. with anyone, it'd be him. Oh, man. My newest pal is Cassie. Oh man! I never thought I'd meet anyone meaner than me! She's so much fun to hang out with. It's hard to find someone to discuss Pride & Prejudice with, or swoon over Fitzwilliam Darcy with! I love her brutal honesty, and her willingness to tell me when I'm doing something wrong. And not to mention her awesome ability to send me LOLCats, like she knows I'm in a bad mood when she does it. Oh, and Kay... Kay is just awesome. If it weren't for him, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be writing a CSI: Miami fic. And John... the S.O.B. quite possibly may have crashed my computer, but nothing could make me hate him. Of course, I can't hate anyone... so, yeah. And then there is Shannon, my R.A. She is so much more than that to me. She has been so supportive of me when I get to the worst state of mind in school, and she's more of a friend to me than an R.A. She keeps me focused on what is important to me, whether or not she realizes that. She's so sweet, funny, and kind, and kept me in the zone. If I hadn't met her, I don't think I'd have been as outgoing as I was. I thank her so much for that.

Alright, that may not be all the college buddies, but my online friends are probably the most significant. Jordi is so... eccentric I guess is the word I'd use to describe her. Or I could use insane, hilarious, obsessive, talented, or any other word along those lines. I think (and I swear, I'm straight) that I would date her. Too bad she's getting married O_o. Yes, everyone, one of my lesbian friends is marrying a man. It's a bit more complicated than that, but I'm not gonna get into it. I'm a bridesmaid, so I don't wanna lose that position. She's open with me, and very opinionated, but I love how, if you get her ranting, you can't get her to stop until she's done. It's so much fun. Especially when you get her ranting about gay rights. It's SO funny. I love it, because she's right. Everything she says is so true, and I just want to throw it all in George W. Bush's face, but can't. His head would probably explode. I know I always get her angry, whether I push music she doesn't like on her or say Michael Crawford sucks (which he doesn't, now that I think about it), but no matter how much I piss her aw-fah-fah, I know she still loves me as much as I love and adore her. I have an entire portion of my profile dedicated to her on my Facebook profile, because some of the stuff that we get into is so freakin' funny I just have to share it with the rest of the world... or at least the 400+ friends I have on FB. I mean... come on... the fact that she was able to take a reference to Gerard Butler as the Phantom, plus him as King Leonidus in 300, and turn it into, "I.... AM.... ERIK!!!!!!!", is just proof that she's a freakin' genius. If I ever need a good laugh, she's the chica I call on. Kathy... oh, what to say about dear, dear Kathy. She's so wonderful. I love talking to her about CSI because she loves everyone I love (except Sara, she just likes her, but I've gotten over that). She started reviewing my stories, and is always honest. She doesn't lavish me with kindness, she helps me to improve. I think, if it weren't for her... in fact, I know if it weren't for her, four of my stories would never have happened or would be happening. I wrote two of them for her, after all, and one for her Fiction Critique Group (FCG) Challenge Week (and now I'm writing one of them for her friend and mine, Jodie). We have such amazing conversations, and she's always willing to listen to me, and bow to my every stupid, silly whim. Jodie is so much fun to talk to. Our mutual obsession with Eric and Calleigh getting together on CSI: Miami is what drew us together, besides the FCG. We talk whenever she's online, and I'm working on a story for her. She's open with me about a lot of things, and that surprised me, considering we just met online and we don't talk all that much (I blame her for that. She needs to sign on more!).

I don't know... I guess all I'm saying with this over drawn post is that my family is insane, and the only thing that keeps me from losing my mind completely are the multiple circles of friends that I have. I think the most important people in my life, besides my family, are my friends that I met at a camp retreat. Patrick convinced to apply for a job that I recently got, and now I will be working with him this summer for two and half months. I'm so excited, and he is such a caring friend, and I don't know what I would've done without him last summer. I realized that last summer that a lot of people care about me there and love me for the crazy, freaky person that I can be. I can't wait to work for or with them (especially Patrick, Hannah, and Albie). I'm not sure if Annette is coming back, but I know she cares about me. We talked about a lot of things that were going on, and she always showed that she cared not just about me, but about everyone, just as all the others I mentioned do as well. In so many way, they are a second family for me. If I never saw any of them again, I might die of depression. I think my bestest bestest friend there is Jordan. He's always there to talk to, and he's so completely understanding and such a jokester. He's got the ability to make me laugh no matter how dark my mood gets, and that in itself is a miracle. I love him beyond belief, and he has to be one of my best friends. I'd probably die if I was never able to talk to him again. But, sometimes he can be a total jackass. I want to kick him in the shin a lot... but he always makes up for it.

If I don't stop this post now, I'm going to go on forever, and I'm so exhausted. Basically, my family has driven me so absolutely crazy in the past, but I've had friends that have not only given me the support I need, but given me the insight on my family that I so desperately needed. I appreciate what I have so much more because my friends have shown me what can happen with the loss of a family member or never having a family. I thought my family was dysfunctional, but, boy oh boy, did my friends prove me wrong. I realize that I'm lucky with the family I have and the close relationships that I have with everyone in my family. A lot of my friends don't have that, and I'm only now realizing that I need to appreciate what I have and not take it for granted, because it can all be taken away so easily.

It sucks, really, that life can end in the blink of an eye. I mean, as I sit here, someone could have spiked the water I'm drinking, and I could keel over and die any minute now. I could have an aneurysm burst in my brain, or a tumor somewhere in my body that no one caught in any of my x-rays. It's scary, and I hate to think that something so easily given to us could be just as simply taken away, and there's nothing we can do to change that. I guess that was the point of the Final Destination movies. You can't expect your life to last forever, and you have to do as much with the time you have now, because you never know when it's going to end. I'm glad I have my friends, because they really put all of that into perspective for me. I love them more and more every day, whether or not they get me angry, because I've learned so much from them, I can't do anything but appreciate them. (And, ya know, I'm not better and being a charmer than them. I piss them off too!)

05/12/08
Amanda