They Have Horses In Hell?

Okay, this has probably been the worst vacation ever. I'm sore from my neck to my ankles, my head is killing me from lack of sleep, my mother is being a total skank, and so is my sister. I swear, I've never known those two to treat me so badly. I've had my mean moments this weekend, but they're taking it too far. I mean, I'm sitting here, wanting to scream and cry and possibly kick a puppy. It's like, when will the insanity end. Not to mention I'll have to ride back home four hours in a freaking car with them. At the moment, I'm listening to rock, trying to calm down. Chris Daughtry is playing, and it's helping, but I still want to kick something and cry. I hate how my family can treat me so terribly with no thought of how it will affect me later on. I hope they realize that once we get home, I'm going to live with my father and that's that. I never want to see them again. It's been a bad year at school, and this side of the family hasn't been at all helpful for my sanity. I'm losing my mind, slowly, but surely, and suddenly I don't care. I just want it to be over. I want to be out of that house forever. I knew it was going to be bad if I came here with them, and I still did. Blame it on the guilt factor I felt for skipping out on what I thought was a birthday present, but what just turned out to be hell and a half, with horses. I can usually talk myself down from this mindset, but it just isn't working today. I'm so tired of being treated like a verbal punching bag. They think they can say whatever the hell they want and it will have absolutely no effect whatsoever on my state of being.

This has always been a tenuous trip for my family. I mean, it never goes well. When the mother's boyfriend comes, he's an idiot and treats us with nothing but the utmost disrespect. I wanna kick him by the time we leave. He doesn't even really like horses, and yet he wants to come to a dude ranch? What the hell, mate? Grow something resembling a brain and use it. But when he doesn't come, it isn't any better. My sister is a bitch 99% of the time, and aims that at me a majority of the time. She doesn't even bother being discreet. She just bluntly hates me out loud. I'm sick of it entirely, because her hatred is contagious, and now my stupid mother is treating me the same way. I just want to sleep. I just want to sleep this trip away and let them do what they will. I'll eat next week or something. I just don't give a damn anymore. I've become so tired of being their bitch. I am not an emotionless idiot. I have feelings, and they hurt them more than they'll ever know because they're idiots who don't respect others.

I've come to realize that my sister is not the good girl she comes off as anymore. She's a skank. Not like the sleep-around-get-drunk-and-high-knocked-up-at-nineteen kind of skank. Just an I-don't-love-anyone-but-myself kind of skank: the worst kind of skank, in other words. I just... I've become so tired, lately: emotionally drained because I've been trying so hard to get her to like me... to treat me like her big sister. To love me like her big sister. It's not going to happen, I realize. My mom wonders why I've chosen my best friend to be my maid of honor if I ever get married. It's because I can't put that title on someone who treats me like the scum of the earth. Same goes for Laura, only she's not as bad anymore. I'm sick of the sibling factor of my life. Adam's an ass a lot of the time, and so are Megan and Laura. I guess the only one of my siblings that I still love unconditionally is my brother Jeremy. He's my saving grace in this hell of a family I'm in.

It's scary how I've been thinking of jumping off one of the horses just to get a bit of attention. I mean... nothing is going to be bad enough to make me do that, but still. When you even think something like that, you realize your desperation for affection has existed so long, you're insatiable. You need more than that. You need to constantly be in a caring environment. So, that's what I am going to do. The second I get home from this vacation, I'm packing my stuff and moving it to my father's. End of story. I don't need much, just food, water, and a shower. I'm not that much of a bother. And I've been living with him for a month now anyway. I just know that it's too far gone with my first home. I just... need a change. A permanent one. I'm moving on from O-Town. It's time from M-Town to take over.

05/18/08
Amanda