Wonderful, Just Wonderful

Well, it looks like I've done it again. Nevermind that it's hard enough to finish the story I started five months ago, but now I'm challenging myself to write fan fiction for shows that I haven't really watched a lot of in months. I just started to get back into them, but it's getting harder to write for characters that I'm not all that familiar with. And the fact that I have to study for my Spanish final hasn't escaped me, I know that I should be right now. But I know that stuff like the back of my hand, and I don't need to study it much to remember it.

I think what I'm worried about most is what's going to happen when this semester ends. Am I still going to be at school? Nevermind that I messed up bad enough to be kicked out, but will I be able to convince the dean to let me stay? I doubt it. I may be smart, but I'm not motivated. He's not going to see a student willing to learn. He's just going to see what he wants to see: a punk girl who doesn't try and probably never will. I'm sick of being given up on, but no one seems to catch on to that except my father. I guess it takes one to know one, huh?

What surprises me most is that I haven't given up on me yet. I seemed to care more about school this past month than I have in the first eight of me being in college. It's crazy, ya know? You get a sucker punch to the gut, and suddenly everything is put into perspective. Your priorities straighten themselves out in front of your very eyes, and it's all so clear, it scares the living hell out of you. You learn the reason for everything, and then all of a sudden you see that 99% of the time, you were the one at fault while you were screwing up. It wasn't the school giving you a courseload that was difficult for even an honors student, and it wasn't because of your roommate from hell, who wasn't as bad as you thought in the long run. You learn, after all is said and done, that the only reason you screwed up, is because you did things that you could have avoided.

If I hadn't chosen writing my stories (which weren't that good to begin with), or sleeping in over my studies, I probably wouldn't be in this position right now. I was stupid, and it's going to cost me big time. I get to work where I want to this summer, sure. But was it really worth possibly never going back to college and working at a Starbucks for the rest of my natural life? I'll get my butt in gear soon, I'm sure. But it's very possible that it's just too late.

o5/11/08
Amanda