Everyone Sucks But Me

My day probably couldn't get any worse if I tried. I have to move out of my dorm, but everytime I try to pack, I get a text message from my mom that makes me want to take my phone and chuck it out the window. I swear, she is using me, I just have yet to prove it. Whether she likes it or not, I'm not her puppet, and she can't control me forever. I went to talk to the dean, just like she wanted, and was just told that I should take some time off. That's not the first time I've heard that, either. My acting professor said the exact same thing to me. I wish I could stand up to my mother, but she overreacts so badly sometimes, I just wanna kick her in the teeth. We can't have a serious conversation without getting into a fight. Not to mention if her jerk boyfriend comes in on the middle of the conversation, he'll add his two cents and voila, instant three way fight. It's hell in my house sometimes, and I'm sick of subjecting my little sister to it. She deserves better than that, that's for damn sure.

I must say, it's a miracle that I won't be living at home most of summer vacation. It's going to be sweet working in New Hampshire. The only people that I've ever truly loved and trusted are all up there, and it'll be so nice to be able to talk to them all the time, and have fun. We may be worshipping God the entire time, but whoever said that was a bad thing is completely out of their mind. I don't know where I'd be if I hadn't found God last summer. I wouldn't be in a good place right now, with nowhere to turn but to the Big Man Upstairs.

Ugh... my mom just crossed the line today. Not in the context most people would think, but she didn't do a good thing. When I was texting back and forth with her, I made a joke that sparked her to whine about the fact that she's giving up on me. It's like, I don't need her reinforcing the fact that she doesn't trust me anymore. But she really isn't giving me any reason to go with her to New York tomorrow, that's for sure. I can think of fifty different ways I'd rather spend my birthday than four hours in the car listening to my sister talk with her friends while I'm stuck in the front seat with my mom, miserable because no one wants to talk to me, but feels obligated to just because I'm Megan's sister. No, I thought Linds was my friend for a while, but lately I feel like she doesn't talk to me because she wants to, but simply because I'm her friend's sister. I mean, where do I turn for an ego boost nowadays, ya know? I'm depressed, and I just don't want to be in this state where hell on earth is where I should feel the safest and most protected.

I don't know, I guess all this talk about why I've been miserable my entire life is catching up to me. I miss Sarah, God knows that, but nothing is going to bring her back. The fact that I still cry every March 12 just shows how, pathetically enough, I still live in the past. This year was worse because of the two boys dying in that car accident, but it's still no excuse. I use Sarah as the basis for any argument when I screw up something good in my life, and people are beginning to see through that and poke holes in it to no end. Even my father seems disappointed in me lately, and that never happens. I feel like there's nowhere to go in my life except to a being that I can't even see, let alone have a conversation with without being classified as insane by my peers. Who knew praying could get you into so much trouble?

I don't know, maybe I should be grateful that I have my online friends. The ones that don't know me and don't judge me, and encourage me to do what I always found impossible: to believe in myself. When I find a niche, I usually can't stick with it because I'm being told it's stupid and childish and isn't going to get me anywhere. When I started writing fan fiction, I started getting the opposite of what I was used to. Not from my family, no. They still think I'm crazy like a fox. But I have Kathy, Jodie, and all the other people from the FCG that make me feel wanted and talented. I love them all, and they show me the love and support that I've desperately needed for so long.

05/15/08
Amanda